Oversized Wrist Watches
I have a confession to make; I enjoy watching the coin and watch segments on the Home Shopping Network. There’s something oddly relaxing about the dulcet tones of smooth-talking pitchmen as they desperately hawk the latest “must have” wrist accessory or claim that their stock of 19whatever coins will be depleted before the next commercial break and if you don’t act within the next few minutes they’ll be gone forever.
And I wonder how, if they’ve sold out of a particular item, why does it reappear during their next segment in full stock and at an even cheaper price?
I tell myself to simply skip this show entirely the next time I’m mindlessly channel surfing, but without pause something incredibly unusual and without logical explanation invariably flaunts its ugly flanks in my face, daring me to pause like a sheltered rubbernecking soccer mom whose only thrill in life is to slowly drive by gruesome highway accident scenes praying to God nobody was injured but secretly hoping to see a little bit of blood. This time around the good presenters on the Hourly Watch Bonanza (or whatever they’re calling their show nowadays) were trying to pawn off on their good viewers a watch of such gargantuan proportions that I seriously wondered at what point their arms were going to tire while holding up this ridiculous hunk of cheap metal and spinning gears.
When does a watch stop being a watch and graduates to the rank of “clock”? This particular watch is water resistant up to 100 ATMs (that’s 3300 feet). So the next time you’re diving at over half-a-mile underwater you can rest assured that this watch will not only be dragging you down to your certain doom with it’s sheer weight, it’ll be keeping excellent time as it does so.
Who wears such a ridiculous looking watch anyway? This watch is so huge that the manufacturer suggests that anyone with a wrist circumference of less than six inches should not wear it, lest you snap your little girly arm while showing off your wicked new wrist clock to your amused office mates who don’t have the guts to laugh in your face.
The heft of this watch should qualify it as a weapon, considered lethal in most states, and with a deadly minimum range of ten feet requiring a danger-close warning every time you raise your arms too quickly.
In all honesty, the next time you want to look like an ass, give me the $1000 you were going to blow on this overblown, unnecessary accruement and I’ll follow you around your office for an entire week with a black eye and a split upper lip claiming to your colleges and coworkers that you abuse me every night under the Egyptian cotton sheets of your plush king-sized bed. This way you’ll be giving your money to someone who truly needs it, and I’ll be saving you the embarrassment of wearing such a contemptible timepiece.
