Terrible Analogies

According to this old advertisement, raccoons are/were “one of America’s favorite pets, has always been and still is.”

Color me skeptic, but has this ever been the case?  I mean, I’ve never heard my parents waxing wistfully over bygone days of yore when they would while away the late summer afternoons doing clumsy childish cartwheels on the freshly cut grass in the shade of the cedar shake gazebo of the local park with their bestest friend in the whole wide world….their pet raccoon.

Is it just me, or does this ad seem to come from some alternate parallel dimension of reality where cuddling with the wild animal of your choice was considered just a normal part of childhood?

Perhaps that’s what’s wrong with me.  Could it be that the reason I sometimes feel so confused and bewildered about the world around me is because I simply never had the opportunity to contract a raging case of incurable rabies as a child?  

I suddenly feel so deprived…

There’s a semi-secret primitive camping site that isn’t well known in Anza Borrego and those that use it are typically well behaved seasoned campers out to enjoy a relaxing time under a pristine evening sky.  Last night we caught a break and had the entire campgrounds to ourselves.  Luckily for us not everybody had MLK day off.  With no fear of bothering anyone (we’re very considerate towards our fellow campers) we turned up the music, set up our tents, and fired up the grill.  Once we were settled in I took some time to venture away from camp to grab myself a refreshing bottled water shower on a large flat rock overlooking the encroaching sunset.  If you ever go camping I highly suggest you follow suit.  Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

Cleaned and refreshed, I wandered back into camp and found a few empty beer bottles already littering the camp site, and Ron sprawled out on the ground peering through the telescope of his powerful spring powered air rifle loaded with pellets taking aim at our sole plastic bottle of ketchup, which I thought we were going to use for dinner.  I swear I heard him softly mutter something about “death before dishonor” while slowly squeezing the trigger and fatally gutting the tasty condiment.

Stocked up with a cache of Monster I was ready to hit the road

It was when our driver began to throw back a few road beers that I knew this trip might at any moment go completely sideways. There was no turning back now...

My first order of business was to set up my tent...

Well armed, Ron takes aim at our only roll of toilet paper

The sun slowly sets behind our camp

When it was time to start the fire, it quickly became obvious that Paul was never a Boy Scout.

Camp fire and wine bottles

Two of the wine bottles Ron managed to knock back. After downing them he claimed to still be thirsty. Animal!

Tent?  Check.
Sleeping bag?  Check.
Air mattress?  Check.
Bottled water?  Check.
Flask of Jack Daniels Whiskey?  Double check.

The jeep is packed with the necessary essentials for a night of desert indulgence and questionable personal habits.  Deep in the middle of the Anza Borrego desert, completely sheltered from glaring city lights, where one feels so small against the grand scale of the universe, we’ll light a small fire, cook some steaks, and feel absolutely overwhelmed and insignificant beneath the incredible vastness of time and space.

It’s amazing how absolutely beautiful and intimidating the night sky can be when you’ve spent nearly your entire night life drowning in lights.  When one is raised beneath a curtain of light pollution canceling out the stars one can’t help but feel a certain sense of awe standing under a completely unobstructed nighttime sky, with the Milky Way stretching across the heavens and shooting stars streaking towards the distant horizon.  It’s a wonderment bordering on a sort of reverence.

Of course, it could all just be the whiskey talking here….

It finally came to pass.  The threat to lay off 10% of the workforce was hanging over our heads for weeks.  We knew it was coming, like an unwelcome house guest or an overdue tax bill, and it knotted us up inside.  Walking into work this morning I noticed a security guard standing sentry at the side door.  Another one was inside the data center.  Yet another was roaming the hallway.  This much security was far too suspicious.  It was obvious that something was about to go sideways requiring a show of force to dissuade any possible unrest from the natives.

Slinking into my cubicle and logging into the network a coworker popped his head over the beige fabric partition and said to me with a nervous warble in his voice, “Looks like today’s the day, huh?”  Damn, we were told the layoffs would begin at the end of the month.  280 people were about to lose their jobs.  No wonder there was so much security roaming about, keeping a watchful eye on the parking lot, the executive offices, and the server room.

Poor bastards.

Firing up Active Directory management tools I watched as employee after employee lost their access rights to the network, praying that my name wouldn’t be the next one to pop up with a red “x” next to it.  Two hours in and I watched as DBAs, Networking guys, VPs and managers had their rights stricken.  I listened as colleagues and coworkers tried to console the recently terminated.  I watched as people slowly boxed up their belongings, shook my hand, said their final good-byes and wished me luck.

At noon the VP of the data center pulled me aside and said to me in a whisper, “Don’t worry.  You’re job is safe.  People are still actively being let go, but I didn’t want you to worry about it.”  This was very cool of him to put my mind at ease.  I still wasn’t feeling good about the whole situation, but thankfully I was no longer collateral damage.

Ya know, the next time around I think I’ll avoid all the drama and be reincarnated as a house cat like mine.  All I’d have to do is spoon and sleep as my owner watched movies, fed me treats, and rubbed my belly.  I’ve had my fill of the rat race…

UPDATE: It’s the day after the big layoff and I’m hearing stories.  When I left work yesterday I saw a couple cops in the parking lot.  What I hear today is that there were several death threats made to some in upper management.  One person claimed that they were going to come back to work with a gun.  This morning employees were the target of a phishing attacking, and now someone has gained access to our environment and is repeatedly locking out Novell accounts either through manual means or via a poison pill.

…but on the positive side there’s free pizza for lunch!

My cat Nemesis in her nightly position hanging out with me on the couch