Cracker Jack Prizes Suck
I must admit, I haven’t purchased a box of Cracker Jacks in quite some time. This afternoon, while speeding through the self-checkout line of the supermarket with Monster in hand I was tempted by a display of snacks seductively stacked next to each register. I couldn’t help myself. I just had to buy a bag of Cracker Jacks.
What’s been bugging me isn’t the fact that I caved in so easily with this impulse purchase. What I’m really irked about is the absolutely lame “prizes” that the good people at Frito-Lay are pawning off on us. When I was a kid I remember getting cool prizes like water soluble tattoos, jokes books, and tiny plastic creatures. Now, it seems, on the rare occasions when I purchase a bag, I’m always getting this freakin’ prize:
I’m hip to Abraham Lincoln, but enough already. If I wanted a history lesson I would have paid attention in school. What I want right now is a sugar rush and a pointless toy that presents a choking hazard to anyone under three. I swear, you and the cereal companies have really been dropping the ball these past ten years with your weak “prizes”. From now on I’m buying nothing but Total and Quaker Oats. With these products I’ll know I won’t be getting a prize, but at least I won’t be disappointed if I unexpentantly dig out a miniature Cliff Notes of Mein Kampf or a used syringe infected with the Hantavirus.
I know, in the overall scheme of things, that this issue ranks right up there with taking Nickleback seriously and wobbly tables at Starbucks, but come on Frito-Lay…give us back our tiny magnifying glasses, snake tattoos, and plasticy doo-hickey thingies.
If you fail to comply I’m afraid I’ll be forced to switch my allegiances over to Screaming Yellow Zonkers. You and I both know that we really don’t want it to come down to that.
