Fast Food Condiments
In the midst our road trip last week Karin and I pulled off the freeway and into a Kentucky Fried Chicken for a late lunch before undertaking the final leg of our journey home. Now, I haven’t been in a KFC in well over a year, but I found myself oddly jonzing for a cup of slaw and a leg of fried chicken. Mmmm….
When the friendly lady behind the counter with the South Bronx accent yelled “Number 40!”, I eagerly claimed my tray of dead animal flesh and beat feet back to our table. Doling out the spoils of travel, I tucked into my food like a man on a mission, and soon was left with nothing but a plate of bones and a biscuit.
It was then that I noticed something a bit odd about my “honey” and “butter” condiments.
The first thing I noted was that the honey wasn’t called honey, but rather “honey sauce”. The small print which read “11% real honey” gave me further cause to pause. Then the obvious “buttery spread” hit me between the eyes, putting another stutter in my step. Umm, okay.
So, what exactly is in this stuff?
It appears that the “honey” is mostly sugar, and with a complete lack of an ingredients listing this artificially flavored “butter” was a complete mystery. But hey, this is KFC. It must taste good, no? Well, the “honey” tasted vaguely like honey, if said honey was dipped in sugar, spun around in a cotton candy machine, rehydrated with the tears of a diabetic Oompah Loompah, then repackaged and distributed by a conglomerate of carnies and a loose knit, slow-rolling band of ice cream truck drivers out trolling for a “good time”.
The butter was, well, disgusting. Tasting suspiciously like an entire aerosol can of Pam was let loose on my tongue, the oily concoction oozing between tooth and gum, overwhelming my taste buds with the vapory flavorings of sunscreen and axle grease. And don’t ask me how I know what axle grease tastes like. That’s a whole other story.
I could only muster but one bite of my “honey” and “butter” biscuit before running for the soda machine to wash the vile taste out of my mouth with a fresh cup of “black gold” (my new favorite soda concoction).
