Diaper Bomb
I was changing Tyler’s diaper this afternoon when I noticed a sudden increase in diaper weight. Setting Tyler down I pulled away the velcro tabs, peeled away the diaper, and was shocked at what I discovered.
Judging by the sheer amount of carnage, I can only assume that a fecal matter explosive device (FMED) was set off in my son’s diaper. I was stunned by the overwhelming amount of waste that Tyler was swimming in. Covered equally back and front by a thick film of goo, little Tyler was coated in a mess that seemd beyond the ability of baby wipes to clean, and I began to wonder if any company made a product designed to attack such a frantic mess. I was seriously contemplating grabbing the giant sponge I use to wash the cars with or the wet/dry vacuum to assist me in sopping up this horrific endeavor. It was as if I was looking at the aftermath of an all night whiskey-and-laxative party, and somebody had forgotten to stock up on toilet paper.
I was repulsed, but was quite impressed that the diaper’s elastic bands had created a tight enough seal around his legs and waist to contain this destructive force of nature that mere minutes before dwelt deep within my son’s bowels. The lack of leakage lulled me into a false sense of security, failing to prepare me for the pure evil that lurked within the cottony confines of my son’s Pampers.
I can only assume that this is a sick shared cosmic joke that all unsuspecting new parents must fall prey to.
