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Too Much Information

For lunch yesterday I decided that I wanted Chinese food. Beef and broccoli to be precise. And the closest place to my work that just so happens to fry a mean wok of B&B is the food court at a local mall. Unfortunately, the one caveat with going to any mall is the crush of people who all seem to know your exact lunch schedule and who make it their solemn duty to make life as difficult as possible for you during your precious few moments away from the office.

Thus went my lunch hour yesterday, fighting the hordes in my modern interpretation of “hunting and gathering”, securing an enviable table between to the entrances to Hot Topic and Abercrombie & Fitch, seated between a harried mother of three toddlers and two young women wearing long black dresses and latex corsets. Whatever, I tell myself. I’m hip. I can dig it.

food court

But then I overheard a bit of their conversation:

Black Dress #1 (enjoying a corn dog and lemon aide): I mean, he knew my fetish. He knew I had a kink.
Black Dress #2 (eating french fries with mustard): Yeah? What’d he do?
BD#1: When I brought out the rope, you know the purple one? Asked me what it was for.
BD#2: Uh huh.
BD#1: And when I said “bondage”, that I wanted to tie him up, he said “No way”. Said “F that” and “F you, you crazy B”.
BD#2 (taking a sip of her Starbucks coffee): Fucking freak
BD#1: Exactly! Thank you…

Suddenly I felt like an interloper. An intruder. A naive trespasser to a conversation whose source is a dark and twisted underworld of deviance that can easily disgust and disturb the innocent and the uninitiated. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The words cutting, biting, and rubber were bandied about as easily as two mechanics discussing the merits of metric versus standard wrenches.

This conversation went on for another ten minutes, and during that time I couldn’t help but listen in, lost in the minutia of their their otherworldly thoughts and experiences, unsure if this entire thing was a put-on. A goof. Nonetheless, I found myself a third wheel to the bizarre interaction of two strangers happening just two feet away.

And you what to know what I found to be the most disturbing part of this entire experience? That one thing that will weasel its way into my dreams and haunt me to the end of my days?

French fries with mustard. Disgusting.

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  1. June 5th, 2013 at 02:03 | #1

    LOLOLOL….. BRILLIANT last liner. Now tell the truth, was this true or did you make up the whole thing? Whichever, you made me laugh uncontrollably. On a serious note, I could NOT eat in a crowd like that.

  2. June 5th, 2013 at 06:37 | #2

    “French fries with mustard. Disgusting.”

    Bwahahahahahahahaha!
    Bwahahahahahahahaha!

    OMG…I spewed my morning coffee when reading that!

    TOTALLY brilliant story!

    Bwhahahahahahahahah!

    I am STILL laughing!

  3. June 5th, 2013 at 07:02 | #3

    Probably you could get a few good stories for the blog just by sitting and overhearing peoples’ conversations.

  4. June 5th, 2013 at 07:04 | #4

    I enjoy people watching when I go to those food courts at malls (which is not so much any more these days). It’s fun to see how they interact and listen to their conversations.

    Were those women actually wearing latex corsets??

  5. jenny_o
    jenny_o
    June 5th, 2013 at 07:47 | #5

    Hahaha! I can’t tell if you actually objected to the topic or if it was just a setup for that superb last line!! No matter which, very funny!

  6. June 5th, 2013 at 16:53 | #6

    You just wanted them both to tie YOU up, admit it.

  7. June 5th, 2013 at 18:13 | #7

    Valerie :

    LOLOLOL….. BRILLIANT last liner. Now tell the truth, was this true or did you make up the whole thing? Whichever, you made me laugh uncontrollably. On a serious note, I could NOT eat in a crowd like that.

    It’s real as the day as long, with perhaps just a few embellishments. :-)

  8. June 5th, 2013 at 18:13 | #8

    Ron :

    “French fries with mustard. Disgusting.”

    Bwahahahahahahahaha!
    Bwahahahahahahahaha!

    OMG…I spewed my morning coffee when reading that!

    TOTALLY brilliant story!

    Bwhahahahahahahahah!

    I am STILL laughing!

    Heh…yeah, that line actually made me laugh when I wrote it. :-)

  9. June 5th, 2013 at 18:15 | #9

    Lorna :

    Probably you could get a few good stories for the blog just by sitting and overhearing peoples’ conversations.

    No doubt! I picked up my “people watching” habit from my grandfather who loved sitting in public places and enjoying the absurdity of life all around him.

  10. June 5th, 2013 at 18:16 | #10

    Lorna :

    I enjoy people watching when I go to those food courts at malls (which is not so much any more these days). It’s fun to see how they interact and listen to their conversations.

    Were those women actually wearing latex corsets??

    As far as I could tell, it was latex or some similar product. Of course I have no experience is such garments, so it was a best guess on my part!

  11. June 5th, 2013 at 18:16 | #11

    jenny_o :

    Hahaha! I can’t tell if you actually objected to the topic or if it was just a setup for that superb last line!! No matter which, very funny!

    Honestly, I had no idea that I was going to write that last line until it spilled out on the screen. I actually made myself laugh when I wrote it! Heh…

  12. June 5th, 2013 at 18:17 | #12

    Fireblossom :

    You just wanted them both to tie YOU up, admit it.

    Oh no no no…I was a scared! ;-)

  13. June 6th, 2013 at 08:29 | #13

    French fries with mustard … yep, disgusting!! Bondage etc (at least the rope was purple!!), well people can do whatever they want in the privacy of their own dungeons, consenting adults and all that. Bit beyond the acceptable discussing it in public, especially where there are children though.

    OH and I were invited by some kind of remote colleague of his to a weird sex party in Vancouver one time, when we were there on holiday. I admit, part of me would have loved to put my nose in the door from sheer curiosity, but when I read phrases like ‘flesh hooks’ and ‘plenty of beds with clean sheets’ and ‘knives available’ etc I thought .. .uh … yeah, well. Perhaps not. And curiosity shrivelled and died.

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