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Five Minute Fiction 101

January 13th, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

Five Minute Fiction is an ongoing experiment. The goal: To write as much as I can in five minutes, letting the fingers do the work, then go back and clean it up. Written quickly, these aren’t perfect stories, composed on the spur of the moment with little forethought and limited writing time. They’re nothing more than first drafts. Please consider these simple weekly exercises, with the singular hope that I don’t bore the reader.

I happened to have gotten sick this weekend after my camping trip, so I stuck to my self-imposed five minute time limit to write this post then quickly found my way back to the couch.

Admittedly, this is not my best work, but hey…I’m sick.

Enjoy?

Koala

Yesterday I read about a koala in Australia who performs open heart surgery.  His success rate is higher than any other cardiac surgeon, with limited occurrences of infection and complications.  Doctors around the world study his cases, and his revolutionary technique of oxygenating blood by filtering it though a layer of  masticated eucalyptus leaves prior to reintroducing it to circulatory system has been included in Dr. Conrad’s esteemed book Modern Surgery, Modern Times, Harvard Medical School’s Four Chambers study guide, and Keystone Logic’s Heart Surgery For Dummies.

It’s been noted in the press that the natural inherent dexterity of the koala’s tiny wrists make it the obvious choice when undergoing delicate work such as heart surgery, especially when dealing with complications related to Adriatic defects and ventricle tears where their ambidextrous, dual opposing thumbs and rough pads are able to manipulate human tissue with surprising ease and precision.

Though lacking vocal chords capable of human speech, this amazing marsupial communicates through a series of hand gestures, ear twitches, and a rudimentary form of Gerke code which he taps out with his rear climbing claws as he operates.  This, of course, has forced his technicians to undergo a rigorous communication course to ensure that interpretive mistakes are not made during complicated surgical procedures.

So respected is this koala that he’s been granted honorary doctorate degrees from such prestigious schools of medicine as the University of South Dakota, Ohio University, and the University of Washington where he gave the commencement address for the class of 2010 in which he famously tapped out on the oaken podium with his climbing claws on that warm June afternoon these words:

“Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise not only the mind but also your smaller pterygoid fossas.  It means being aware not only of the branches you navigate, but their thickness and well.  For if you pay attention and focus on your surroundings you can construct meaning from the tiniest of details.  Oh, and eat your greens.”

It’s also been noted in the press that the author of this piece is a habitual liar.

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  1. January 13th, 2014 at 09:02 | #1

    “It’s also been noted in the press that the author of this piece is a habitual liar.”

    Bwhahahahahahaha! OMG…you SO got me with that ending!

    But I gotta say, you had me believing this!

    Excellent story, buddy! And honestly, it shows no indication that you’re sick – at all.

    Have a super week!

  2. January 13th, 2014 at 10:33 | #2

    Now if you’d wrote he’d got an honorary degree from the University of Koala Lumpar I might have believed this. He’s got a cheek telling people to eat their greens, given that he only eats one type!

  3. jenny_o
    jenny_o
    January 13th, 2014 at 11:13 | #3

    This would make an excellent April 1 article :)

    Hope you feel better very soon.

  4. January 13th, 2014 at 11:21 | #4

    Sorry to hear you’re not well, but hey – you can’t be that bad if you churn out stuff like this:
    ‘revolutionary technique of oxygenating blood by filtering it though a layer of masticated eucalyptus leaves prior to reintroducing it to circulatory system’

    At first I thought that was something you copied from a text book, I should have known better…lol.

    Seriously, get well soon.

  5. January 13th, 2014 at 13:10 | #5

    HermanTurnip, I loved this! Heart Surgery For Dummies made me laugh. From there on I laughed through the entire story. Great job!

  6. January 13th, 2014 at 18:41 | #6

    Ron :

    “It’s also been noted in the press that the author of this piece is a habitual liar.”

    Bwhahahahahahaha! OMG…you SO got me with that ending!

    But I gotta say, you had me believing this!

    Excellent story, buddy! And honestly, it shows no indication that you’re sick – at all.

    Have a super week!

    Heh…thanks, my friend! Yeah, I was (am) a bit under the weather, but actually started felling a bit better as I started writing. I think the idea of a doctor koala made me smile…

  7. January 13th, 2014 at 18:42 | #7

    Gorilla Bananas :

    Now if you’d wrote he’d got an honorary degree from the University of Koala Lumpar I might have believed this. He’s got a cheek telling people to eat their greens, given that he only eats one type!

    “Koala Lumpar” Damn, I missed a brilliant opportunity there. Heh…

  8. January 13th, 2014 at 18:43 | #8

    jenny_o :

    This would make an excellent April 1 article :)

    Hope you feel better very soon.

    Thanks Jenny! I think the healing process actually began with this story. It was more uplifting than my usual fare, which brought a smile to my face. :-)

  9. January 13th, 2014 at 18:44 | #9

    Valerie :

    Sorry to hear you’re not well, but hey – you can’t be that bad if you churn out stuff like this:
    ‘revolutionary technique of oxygenating blood by filtering it though a layer of masticated eucalyptus leaves prior to reintroducing it to circulatory system’

    At first I thought that was something you copied from a text book, I should have known better…lol.

    Seriously, get well soon.

    I think my mind works in mysterious ways when I’m not feeling well. It’s funny what a cold can do to the imagination ;-)

  10. January 13th, 2014 at 18:45 | #10

    David Oliver :

    HermanTurnip, I loved this! Heart Surgery For Dummies made me laugh. From there on I laughed through the entire story. Great job!

    Heh…thank you, my good sir! :-)

  11. January 16th, 2014 at 02:01 | #11

    It might not be your best work, but I liked it! It was extremely … quirky, I suppose. And a lot of fun!

    I hope you feel better now. :)

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