Terrible Analogies

The stars have aligned, the planets have converged, and the Ouija has spoken.  This is the week that I’m on call.  If the sh*t goes down at work, I’m the one that gets called at 3am to fix the problem.  Lucky me.

To celebrate this monumental week I’ve decided to celebrate with a late night blu-ray viewing of Live Free Or Die Hard.  And, while suspending my disbelief in the impossible, I cheered as Bruce Willis drove a van through a high-security building and into an elevator shaft where he had a kung-fu battle to the death while precariously dangling over a deep, dark concrete abyss, then survives a multitude of shockingly excessive explosions without losing his hearing, launches an exploding car into a hovering helicopter, then highjacks a semi and battles a freakin’ military jet as he dodges the shattering debris of a collapsing freeway bridge system, I have to wonder how the producers might top something like this for a potential Die Hard 5.  The mind reels…

If you do have the blu-ray version of this movie, there’s a nifty extra called “Yippie Kay Yay Motherfu*%er” where Kevin Smith interviews Bruce Willis about the Die Hard franchise.  If you have an extra 22 minutes it’s well worth the viewing.

If I had to be honest for a second here, I’d have to admit that the second Die Hard was crap.  I feel embarrassed for Bruce Willis whenever I’m exposed to it.

And in case you missed it, the Scrabble word of the day a few days ago was a bit…unusual.

Hey man, don’t look at me.  This was all Hasbro’s doing.  I just report it as I see it…

So….Heath Ledger won his posthumous Oscar for his performance as the Joker in The Dark Knight.  To cut to the quick, there was no other way that this saga could have concluded.  The tears shed by those in attendance was a rare example of uncontrollable, honest feelings on full display in a business where deception and duplicity are SOP.  And rare is the film that generates such intense scrutiny as TDK has.  For Heath to win Best Supporting Actor, and for his father to accept the award, was almost too much for this humble blogger.  To say that I wasn’t emotionally touched by this emotional juggernaut would have been a vicious lie.  

For the movie-going audience The Dark Knight was not about Christian Bale.  Batman who?  The public was there in support of the Joker.  

Saturday night Karin and I fired up our blu-ray copy of The Dark Knight (if you haven’t seen this film in the blu-ray format, the IMAX scenes are breathtakingly amazing) and reveled in Heath Ledger’s performance.  I found myself grinning like an idiot whenever the pasty-faced sociopath was on screen.  Heath’s take on the Joker was nothing short of magic, and to think otherwise would be a dishonest, jaded assessment of Heath’s take on the Joker character.  The Oscars typically leans towards leftist ideals and “high-brow” films not normally seen by the general populace.  To deny Heath Ledger a nod would have been an affront to true talent, and a thumb in the eye to fans around the world who have pushed the theatrical earnings of this film past the one-billion dollar mark. 

And to think, just a few hours prior I was gleefully chowing down on a shredded beef tostada in a questionable mexican eatery in a sketchy part of San Marcos.  Sure, the food was fantastic, but for the remainder of the day the toilet and I were locked in a squirming, titanic struggle for my very soul.  

“Customer #30″ indeed…

If you haven’t seen Denzel Washington in Man On Fire, stop reading this blog right now.

No, seriously….just stop.  right.  there.  Pick up the movie and watch it.  It’s brilliant.

Go ahead.  I’ll wait….

[HermanTurnip taps his foot....whistles....twiddles his thumbs...performs some long division...]

You’re back?  Okay, great!  We can now continue.

Karin and I watched Man On Fire on blu-ray last night.  This emotional roller coaster might very well be Denzel Washington’s finest film.  If the end times were nigh, the red menace was knocking at my front door forcefully hawking Girl Scout cookies with impish glee, and the resulting zombie hordes were slowly shuffling towards me screaming for my brains, I’d want John Creasy guarding my back with a dual chamber 8-gauge scatter gun and a mean case of the heebie jeebies.

But one thing bothered me.  In the 146 minutes that this film spanned, one scene lasting not but a fraction of that time made me jump from the couch, grab the remote, and smash the “pause” button with the fervor of a maniacal true believer pointing to the passage in the New Testament which he ardently believes provides undeniable proof that the Son of God is among the living making preparations for the final judgment.

I wasn’t sure I saw what I just saw.  I just couldn’t believe my eyes.

It was near the end of the film, where Denzel/Creasy is mustering what strength he has left in his body to walk to his certain doom, redeem himself for all past sins, and offer the ultimate sacrifice, guaranteeing his place by the Lord’s side.

But when I scanned back and paused, there it was.

At the end of Man On Fire, Denzel Washington is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice

Hmmmm....just a tad dark. Lets lighten it up a bit

Gack! Correct me if I'm wrong, but fingers aren't meant to bend like that

Okay....I'm making myself ill. Is this the result of an old war wound, an overly-exuberant session of Scattegories, or the result of a particularly physical game of pickup b-ball?

The wife and I recently made the commitment and jumped from standard DVD over to Blu-ray.  This transition has had the unfortunate downside of turning me into a drooling, blithering idiot incapable of suppressing the involuntary tick in my left eye whenever I overhear the mere whisper of the word “blue” or “ray”, or any combination thereof.  

But I’ll be darned if I’m not completely in love with this technology.  The amazing picture that Blu-ray provides on our 1080p flat screen.  The uncompressed HD sound.  When you pop in a Blu-ray version of a movie like The Transformers it’s like seeing that movie for the first time.  You know that feeling of reeling in a twelve-foot hammerhead on a 50lb test line, or finally topping out on that 5.14 freeclimb in Joshua Tree that you’ve been working on all summer?  Well….if not, trust me, that’s how you’ll feel when watching your first demo-quality Blu-ray movie.  It’s like finding religion, obtaining nirvana, or discovering a really bitchin’ Chinese restaurant that doesn’t serve that crappy, rancid-tasting beef.  Your heart races, you tremble and sweat, and your pants suddenly seem to fit just a little bit tighter…

Seriously, if you haven’t made the jump to Blu-ray you only have yourself to blame.  It’s a huge leap from standard DVD, and once you experience Blu on a decent system you’ll be a slave to it just like me.

One of us…One of us…One of us…