…than rushing out the door with family in tow, late for an appointment, only to have your toddler throw a conniption because his favorite toy train he wanted to bring along isn’t working. Taking a deep breath, you rush inside to grab a few batteries only to encounter the product packaging from hell.
After struggling with this thing for a minute I finally broke down and whipped out the carving knife and hacked my way in.
Listen, if you’re going to produce a product with a perforated flap, could you perform a few quality assurance tests to verify that it actually works? After all, you’re not protecting gold bouillon, state secrets, or your sister’s virginity. These are batteries. Nothing more. Please don’t demand that consumers pass a Mensa test before being granted access to your product.
And in my heart of hearts I sincerely hope that there’s a special place in Hell for companies who seal their products inside indestructible blister packs. These razor sharp things are nothing short of a vile, viscous evil, and have no place in civilized society.
*deep breath*
Whew. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I feel much better now….
Yep. The ShamWow guy, Vince Shlomi. He hasn’t been seen on air since beating up a prostitute in 2009.
Imagine my surprise when I turned on the television last night and saw good ole’ Vince, minus his annoying faux hawk, pitching something called the Schticky.
But where has Vince been all these years?
If you recall, Vince paid prostitute Sasha Harris $1000 for “straight sex” in March of 2009. When they arrived at Vince’s hotel room, he tried to kiss Sasha who then (according to Vince) immediately bit into his tongue and would not let go. Vince then struck Sasha Harris several times until she let released his tongue, causing facial fractures and lacerations. No charges were filed in the case
The whole incident sounded strange to me. I find it difficult to believe that a prostitute, who had just been paid $1000, decided to attach herself to Vince’s tongue with her teeth and not let go for no reason. Call it a nagging doubt, but I think something rough must have happened between them to illicit that sort of response. The whole situation never sat right with me.
And now Vince is back, and he wants to convince me to part ways with my hard earned money.
Count me out, Vince. Sure, the whole prostitute thing was conveniently hushed up, but your alleged stalking, emotional abuse, and unwanted sexual advances towards your assistant in 2011 is now public record. I’m not saying you did any of these things, but until I know who I’m helping to employ with my cash I’ll stay clear of the Schticky and any other other product you pitch.
I’ve seen a double-yolked egg, a two-headed snake, a double entendre, a double-decker bus, a double play, a 2×4, double seating, a twin turbo, a two-for-one sale, dual action formula detergent, dos equis beer, double mint gum, Twin Peaks, a double feature, a double header, two turntables (and a microphone), double parking, two for flinching, two to tango and Tea For Two. I’ve even had second thoughts, second sight, second looks, a second glance, a second to think, and have even gone to second base, double-downed in Vegas, have had two pennies to rub together, double nickels on the dime, and a two dollar bill.
But it wasn’t until last night when I opened up a package of Top Ramen and saw this:
Two packets of flavorings!
What do you think? Is this some sort of a sign? Should I go out and buy a lottery ticket tomorrow?
I bit the bullet, rolled up my sleeves, and dug in my heels. Sure, my nails are a bit dirty and my hair’s mussed, but I’m finally free from the old ball-and-chain.
Yes, it was a hassle, but I finally feel liberated.
I have changed banks.
No longer am I under the oppressive, uncompromising thumb of Bank of America. I’m now free from monthly charges, ATM fees, and the stigma of being a BofA “customer”.
Changing banks wasn’t cut and dry for me. What had I had to do was open an account with another bank (in my case I’m using USAA…free checking!) and make an initial deposit. I then had to move my automatic college payment (yes, I’m still paying this) to my new bank. Then I waited on pins and needles for my box of new checks to show up in the mail. Once I had those I updated my paycheck auto deposit paperwork to point to my new account, then cancelled my account with BofA.
All told it was a two week process, but it’s finally done! The plan now is to go all cash for any purchases. This will help me save even more money when I see bills physically leaving my hands instead of being magically charged to my debit or credit card.
I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Goodbye Bank of America. May we never cross paths again…
The only time I don’t channel surf when commercials are on television is during the Superbowl. But I saw this commercial last night while wrapping things up for the evening and I couldn’t tear myself away. By the time the thing was over I was a blubbery mess.
Yep. You heard right. A guy who can bench 325lbs and who thinks running up and down Mt. Whitney is a “good time” couldn’t hold back the tears after watching this:
But hey, I’ve been known to fall apart at the end of Saving Private Ryan, Independence Day and Big Trouble In Little China, so I guess my reaction to this commercial really shouldn’t come as a big shock.
No… I’m not emotional. I…I just have something in my eye… (*wipe* *wipe*)
