Terrible Analogies

Well, it’s been announced that Star Wars episodes IV-VI will be released on blu-ray in September. Part of me is excited to finally get my grubby hands on a pristine print of these landmark films, but another part of me wishes George Lucas would just release the original cuts of his films and not these bastardized re-envisioned “special editions”.

The Star Wars trilogy has always been an elusive target for movie collectors.  It took many years for the trilogy to appear on DVD, but the eventual release of Star Wars on DVD in 2004 rang up $115 millions dollars (2.2 million copies) in sales on the first day and solidified the DVD as the dominant format.  With the upcoming blu-ray release of the original trilogy I guess it’s finally official that the blu-ray format has matured enough to justify the attention of George Lucas’ ego.

But enough of Star Wars.  Here’s hoping that The Adventures Of Remo Williams might some day finally be release on blu-ray in wide screen format.

Did you hear me, you bastards? Wide. Screen.

(Forgive my anger, this is a sore spot for me.  I love this movie and MGM released this on DVD only in a full screen format. Again, I’m geeking out here. Forgive me.)

Mulling over my 2500+ DVD / Blu-ray collection this weekend, I was in the mood for an action/adventure type of flick. Equilibrium? No, too preachy. The Road Warrior? No, too gritty. Ronin? No, too good (save that for later). Ah…what’s this? Peter Jackson’s King Kong? Well, I hadn’t seen this since its release. I had completely forgotten that I even owned a copy, so I decided to give it a spin.

Bouncing downstairs with King Kong in hand I threw it into the PS3, settled down with a glass of Sam Adams, and prepared to be entertained.

Unfortunately, what I witnessed could not be classified as “entertainment”.

Not to put too fine of a point on it, but Peter Jackson’s King Kong is perhaps one of the worst movies ever made. I find it hard to believe that the same guy who filmed the Lord Of The Rings trilogy managed to create this stink of a movie. Overproduced, poorly acted, and overly long are perfect descriptors for this embarrassment of a major motion picture release. I could only bring myself to watch up through the dinosaur stampede scene before jumping from the couch and angrily pushing the eject button with furious rage.

I felt used, belittled, and manipulated.

Now I know why I couldn’t recall anything about this film.

I had had enough. No, Peter, I’m not scared by skulls. Please stop with your dramatic slow motion zooms onto every skull on the island. No, Peter, I don’t feel like your 80’s era special effects drew me into the action. I felt like you were mocking the audience by making us watch the deck hand as he did his best Curly Howard impersonation, running in an obvious cable harness as the “ground” fell out from under him (note: this was the scene that solidified the painful, gnawing notion in my belly that I was watching a film that was worse than Dead Ringers). And no, Peter, Jack Black is not a dramatic thespian capable of eliciting an emotional bond between the viewer and his character. In fact, I was hoping that you would be breaking from script and offing Black in the first miserable act.

Question for you Peter; did you even pay attention to the way in which King Kong was swinging and thrashing about the character of Ann? Any normal mortal would have had their neck snapped in an instant. Now, I know I’m supposed to suspend my disbelief here. I mean, after all, this movie is about a 25 foot gorilla…but come on. I dare you to revisit this scene and tell me how Ann didn’t have her delicate neck snapped in two, show any visible signs of whiplash, or at least pass out due to the rough treatment from said ape.

As I write this post I’m skimming through this film on my computer. Skipping to the end I’m greeted with the most cringe worthy tag line of the entire movie. The way in which Jack Black utters the classic line “It was beauty killed the beast,” I was half expecting him to break out into a Carrot Top inspired object-oriented comedy bit routine. I’m still unsure how he managed to hold back the giggle that the obvious twinkle in his eyes betrayed. Black must have known that he didn’t have the acting chops to carry this flick. How he ever got the part I’ll never know.

To think that I wasted $15 on this film during its initial DVD release. What a waste.  I’m going to purge this movie from my internal data bank (again) by throwing in a copy of Bad Taste tonight. At least that movie was bad in a cool sort of way.

I’m a movie fanatic.  No, wait…that doesn’t sound right.  Movie buff?  No, that won’t do.  Movie freak?  Yeah, that sounds more like it.  What does my movie collection look like?  I’ll show you mine if you show me yours:

I’ve often been asked what my “Top 10″ movies of all time are.  Well, my top five have been pretty solidly locked in place for years now, with the six through ten slots changing a bit over time.

If you were to ask me today what my top ten movies are, this is the list I’d rattle off:

1) Fight Club
“We have front row seats for this theater of Mass Destruction. The Demolitions Committee of Project Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin. In two minutes, primary charges will blow base charges, and a few square blocks will be reduced to smoldering rubble. I know this, because Tyler knows this.”  And so begins this modern tale of confusion, mistrust, empowerment, schizophrenic behavior, and soap.  Beautifully filmed and very nearly loyal to the novel, David Fincher captures the alienation and minimization of the individual in the face of a corporate, materialistic world, and how it sends one man over the edge.

2) The Warriors
Based on the ancient Greek story Anabasis, about a group of mercenaries trapped deep behind enemy lines, The Warriors follows a street gang after a botched truce meeting in the Bronx as they bop their way back to the safety of their home turf of Coney Island.  This 1979 film is highlighted by imaginative gangs and costumes (go Furies!), and from what I’ve read was actually considered controversial for its time.  Any movie that Pop Will Eat Itself sampled heavily from is okay in my book.

3) 12 Angry Men (1957)
Throw some of the finest actors of a generation into a room, lock the doors and let the cameras roll, and you have the makings of one of the finest films ever captured on celluloid.  Henry Fonda leads the cast as the lone holdout on a jury who, over the course of the film, gradually sways the eleven other jurors over from their impetuous guilty judgements.  This is the very definition of a character driven film.  

4) Repo Man
It’s hard to imagine a time when Emilio Estevez had a viable career, but in 1984 he starred as Otto in this movie about (surprise!) repo men.  Part schtick, part social commentary, a dash of conspiracy, and a heaping pile of musical goodness, Repo Man not only stands the test of time, it forms a cornerstone of cool in an era of self-importance in the “Me” generation.  It’s 4 A.M., do you know where your car is?  Oh, and +1 for the inclusion of Harry Dean Stanton!

5) The Matrix
Locked in a prison we can’t see, ruled over by Agents we can’t defeat, leading lives we have no control over.  This is The Matrix, and Neo wants to free humanity from it’s invisible shackles.  Ground breaking for its time, the Wachowski brothers forced the red pill down our collective throats, allowing us to see what binds us, and what will eventually set us free.  The Matrix is the one movie all other science fiction movies wish they were.

My top 6-10 movies are very fluid, with a few jostling for position, and a couple that have fallen out of favor, replaced by new/old comers.  These movies are, in short:

If I had to recommend one of these as a “must watch” film, it would have to be The Dish.  It’s a lighthearted film about the Australian contribution to the first landing on the moon and the subsequent television broadcast of Neil Armstrong’s first tentative steps on the surface.  Brilliantly cast is Sam Neill as the head of the Parks team, and Puddy (er, sorry…Patrick Warburton), as the U.S. liaison.  An absolutely charming movie, perfect family fare, and an essential part of any movie collection.  Just go watch it already!

So….what are some of your favorite films?

Best Buy:

Over the past two years we’ve become very familiar with each other.  Every Tuesday I loyally make the quick drive from work to see you during my lunch hour, anxious to see what new movies were released on DVD.  Slowly, I would wander your aisles, softly whispering movie titles under my breath, carefully fondling your newly stocked selection, and unconsciously, almost out of loving reverence, when I noticed a DVD out of place, I would pick it up and gently place it in its correct location.

Things were good and right with the world.  My movie collection was growing at an exponential rate, and I couldn’t be happier.  It was then, after nearly a two-year love affair, that she showed up.

Her name was blu-ray.

The moment that I gave in, my knees trembling, seduced by her superior picture and sound, I knew our relationship was on rocky ground.

Sure, things were still status quo for a couple of weeks.  I was swinging by every Tuesday afternoon, but now I was noticing things…small things really, that I never noticed before.  Your blu-ray selection was sparse, leaving me wanting.  Your prices were high, often charging me double what a new DVD would sell for.  Your once bright and comforting atmosphere began to grow cold and aloof.  I no longer felt at ease under the flat sheen of your unwavering florescent lights.

This is difficult for me to say, so I think I’ll just say it:  I think we should spend some time apart.  You know, perhaps see other people?  I still love you, I really do.  It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this in person.  Writing this letter was hard enough, and I couldn’t bear saying these words and seeing the heartache on your face.  Please, forgive me.

Love,  HermanTurnip

P.S.  I’ll be spending my Tuesday’s at Fry’s, you know…if you ever want to talk.

So….Heath Ledger won his posthumous Oscar for his performance as the Joker in The Dark Knight.  To cut to the quick, there was no other way that this saga could have concluded.  The tears shed by those in attendance was a rare example of uncontrollable, honest feelings on full display in a business where deception and duplicity are SOP.  And rare is the film that generates such intense scrutiny as TDK has.  For Heath to win Best Supporting Actor, and for his father to accept the award, was almost too much for this humble blogger.  To say that I wasn’t emotionally touched by this emotional juggernaut would have been a vicious lie.  

For the movie-going audience The Dark Knight was not about Christian Bale.  Batman who?  The public was there in support of the Joker.  

Saturday night Karin and I fired up our blu-ray copy of The Dark Knight (if you haven’t seen this film in the blu-ray format, the IMAX scenes are breathtakingly amazing) and reveled in Heath Ledger’s performance.  I found myself grinning like an idiot whenever the pasty-faced sociopath was on screen.  Heath’s take on the Joker was nothing short of magic, and to think otherwise would be a dishonest, jaded assessment of Heath’s take on the Joker character.  The Oscars typically leans towards leftist ideals and “high-brow” films not normally seen by the general populace.  To deny Heath Ledger a nod would have been an affront to true talent, and a thumb in the eye to fans around the world who have pushed the theatrical earnings of this film past the one-billion dollar mark. 

And to think, just a few hours prior I was gleefully chowing down on a shredded beef tostada in a questionable mexican eatery in a sketchy part of San Marcos.  Sure, the food was fantastic, but for the remainder of the day the toilet and I were locked in a squirming, titanic struggle for my very soul.  

“Customer #30″ indeed…