Terrible Analogies

I was driving home yesterday, listening to the radio, when I heard this story about a 14 year old girl who broke into an ex-friends house, ransacked the place, and grabbed a few items to steal. Then, before leaving, picked up the ex-friend’s kitten, threw it in the oven, and cracked it up to 500 degrees before fleeing the scene.

The kitten died. It burned beyond recognition. It was so disfigured, one could not even tell the gender of the animal.

When asked why she did this, she replied, “Because I hate cats.”

It disgusts me to hear a story like this.  What kind of sick person could do something so horrific to such a helpless, fragile animal?  An animal who, quite possibly, ran to her side in awkward, fumbling kitten steps, looking for a treat or a loving pat on the head.   What twisted soul is capable of such extreme brutality?  

I find this so offensive because animals like dogs and cats bond with humans.  They have emotions that are readily apparent, rubbing up against us, licking us, wagging their tails, sleeping with us at night.  They love and depend on us.  Some bonds are so tight that the loss of a pet can be as bad as the loss of any other family member.

For someone to abuse an animal takes a special kind of inner turmoil, a singularly unique type of evil that must constantly eat at that person, damaging their very soul.

This girl…this sociopath, needs to be locked up for a long, long time.  What happened to her in the past that caused her to turn into such a barbarous, remorseless monster?  Was it a lack of proper parenting?  Was it the people she hung around with?  Could her head be filled with bad wiring?

….

As soon as I got home yesterday I picked up Nemesis, gave her a big hug, then a treat, then I watched this video of a german weatherman who picked up a cat that wandered onto the news set during his forecast:

Happy Friday? See you on Monday for my 200th post!

Let’s hear it for my classy neighbors.  

From the people who brought you “Loud Parties At 1am“, “Public Intoxication And You“, and that classic chestnut “Let’s Invite A Live Band Over, Because We Don’t Give A Crap About Our Neighbors“, comes this new bit that I’d like to call “Baby With A Bong“.  I hope you enjoy:

Bong on the ground in front of Joe Cool, who's standing in front of a stroller.

Everyone (?) has a neighbor from hell, and this is mine.  These people are the very definition of “white trash”.  Come on guys, this neighborhood is full of kids and toddlers.  Go back to the trailer park with your “too cool for school” attitude.  God has a tornado he wants to give you.

Slaving away at work this past Saturday, snacking on a bag of Cracker Jacks, I suddenly became very thirsty. Placing iTunes on pause (thankfully silencing that damned Blue Monday cover song by Orgy), I trudged on over to the break room and purchased a carton of milk from the wheel-of-death©.  On my way back to my cubicle-of-death, I noticed the following:

You’ve got to be kidding me.  Does the Rock View milk company think I’m so stupid that they need to emblazon their product with detailed instructions on how to open a milk carton?  What sort of invalid is incapable of figuring out the obvious way to breach the otherwise impenetrable skin of these paperboard containers?

The more I thought about it, the more insulted I felt.  Next thing you know we’ll be finding signs listing in painful detail how to climb a set of stairs, bright stickers indicating how to operate a ketchup bottle, and sewn-on tags graphically displaying how to put on a pair of gloves.

Honestly, If we’re unfit enough to figure out how to open a milk carton, what makes them think we’re smart enough to know how to read, much less follow instructions?

Do these people honestly believe we’re idiots, unable to perform such a basic function in life?

At what point does the adulation and idolization become just a bit too much to bear?  Could it be the 24 hour television news coverage?  Perhaps it’s the print media overzealously picking the bones of the celeb-du jour clean?  Or maybe it’s when you want to listen to the radio but the AM/FM stations are simulcasting the Michael Jackson memorial, then rebroadcasting them in repeat?  Whatever that tipping point it, I think we’ve surpassed it long ago and are committed to desperately hanging on to this tumbling, frenzied, thrashing beast we call “news” until we crash head first on to the jagged rocks below.

If the media would quit feeling each other up for just one minute and dedicate a tenth of the energy they’ve spent on covering the Michael Jackson circus towards useful news about, oh…say the financial mess our nation is in, and what exactly is each of our elected officials doing to resolve it.  I mean, camp out at their homes, stalk them into their offices, shout out towards the heavens, press the issue, and don’t back down from these dogs who should be doing the will of the people.  

Let’s turn this car around and start focusing in on what’s really important.  It’s time to ask the tough questions and get people involved.  Question the government.  Question special interests.  Question pork/pet projects.  Question the illegal issue.  Question the tax issue.  Question the bailouts.  Question why the government hemmed and hawed when the banks wanted to pay the money back.  Question the partisanship.  Question why we’re even paying politicians if they can’t do their damned jobs.  I want to see ABC / CBS / NBC / TMZ / Cable news and television shows asking why we can’t get our collective heads on straight, and why we can’t shake ourselves out of this financial mess.

If it were up to me, I’d throw open all the books and have independent analysis of the numbers run.  Post everything on the Web.  Find out exactly where the money is going, and what we’re getting for it in return. I want to know how much they spent on coffee, pencils, and office parties.  I want to see the receipts, and if the receipts are missing, I want to know exactly why they’re missing, and whose job was it to save them?  Then I want to ask that person who their boss is, and I’ll want to then question that person about said receipts.  I want to treat the government in the same spirit that the IRS treats us.  Then, have each and every one of these jackals responsible for this mess answer to the American public.  No spin.  Just the truth.

…Forgive me if I sound upset, but I think our whole system is shot to hell and something needs to be done about it.  We’ve become so distracted from the truth that we’ll swallow anything the media dishes out with no questions asked.  

I think it’s time that we woke up from our celebrity-induced stupor.  No more distractions.  We have work to do.

I’m a notorious gum popper/cracker.  Give me stick of gum and I’ll soon be driving you mad with my consistent *pop* *pop* *pop* sounds.  It’s something I do almost unconsciously.  It’s a bad habit I can’t seem to break myself from.

You might ask, “How do you pop your gum?”  Well, if you look around the internet you’ll invariable come across the “spread the gum across your front teeth” gibberish, which is a bizarre method.  For me, I simply place the wad of gum around the third & fourth tooth back from the canine, compress the gum, creating a vacuum between the gum and my teeth by pressing sideways with my tongue, then unclench my teeth.  This creates a negative pocket of air that snaps the gum quite loudly.  It’s difficult to explain, but once you get it, it becomes second nature.  Popping this way allows you to snap your gum without having to open your mouth.  Some would classify this technique as “cracking” your gum, but whatever.

Here’s a quick scientific study I performed this weekend; curious to see which gums allowed for the easiest pop/crack, I gathered together this small selection of gums from the checkout line:

Orbit: This is the Gold Standard as far as I’m concerned.  After a few minutes of warming up the gum, it’s ready to pop.  Orbit has that perfect tackiness that creates a nice suction between the teeth and cheek to produce a consistent loud *pop* with nearly every chew.  This gum is so perfect for popping that it’s almost like cheating.

Trident: This is probably the worst gum to pop.  In fact, I couldn’t produce one single snap from this gum.  It feels as if there’s a thin film to it which prevents this gum from the sticking to the teeth.  Great if you’re chewing gum while wearing dentures, but it makes for a less than satisfactory chew for gum poppers.

Stride: A softer chew than Orbit, making popping the gum a bit difficult.  You really have to concentrate to get a good series of pops.  Pleasant to chew, but places low on the snapping totem.

Five Gum: Finally, a gum that produces consistent, meaty pops with just a bit of effort.  Traditional-sized stick of gum gives you more material than you need, but popping still occurs with ease.

Extra Fruit Sensations: This gum shares the same packaging as Five Gum.  A quick internet search shows that 5 Gum and Extra are both produced by Wrigley’s.  I’d have to say that Extra is on par with 5 Gum when it comes to popability (is that a word?).  If my life depended on making a choice between 5 Gum and Extra, I’d have to go with Extra.  There’s just something about it that makes snapping slightly more enjoyable.

WinterFresh: Again, another Wrigley’s product, and a standout to boot.  Easy to pop, but the winterfresh flavor quickly begins to wear on you.

Eclipse: Any gum that comes in a package that requires you to pop out a serving like you’re popping out a cold tablet is to be avoided.  You’re not given enough material to work with, and the gum is far too soft to get a good, consistent pop/crack.  Avoid this gum.

And that’s it.  What it comes down to is avoiding the “Bubbleicous”  sugary gums.  These are impossible to work with.  Gums that come in traditional sticks are harder to pop than smaller serving sized gums.  Do not buy gum with a candy coating, as those are usually too soft to crack.