Terrible Analogies

“Food blamed for teen obesity”?  Gee, thanks for that breaking news, CNN.  Would have never figured that one out all on my own…

There’s a commercial that’s been airing recently touting the benefits of the Tempurpedic bed.  This magical space-age memory foam apparently “contours” to your body, negating the need for a spring mattress and, supposedly, providing a more comfortable night’s sleep.

Then they hit you with a shocking statistic.  From what I’m led to believe apparently Tempurpedic sells “one mattress every sixty seconds.”

Woah, hold on there partner.  One mattress every sixty seconds?  Is the woman included in the sales price?  Let me run some numbers here…

Breaking out the calculator and figuring that Tempurpedic sells 60 mattresses per hour, that comes out to 720 every twelve hours.  That’s 262,800 mattresses sold every year.  My God, that’s (*button mash* *calculate* *carry the two…*) 10,249,200 mattresses since 1970.

That means that over 3.5% of the U.S. population owns a Tempurpedic mattress.

To put this into perspective, 25% of the U.S. considers themselves Catholic, 15% of the population is Hispanic, 12% are living at the poverty level, and 12% are 65 years old or older.

Again, 3.5% of the population owns (or owned at one time) one of these mattresses?  Can this be right? Personally, I don’t know of anybody who owns a Tempurpedic product.  Now, I’m sure my numbers here aren’t bombproof, but if I’m even close to the ballpark, it’s a stunning figure.

I’m a fan of the alt/indie/rock band the Eels.  I was first turned on to them in the 90′s with the release of their amazing album Beautiful Freak.  The Eels have a knack for making some of the most beautifully depressing music in the world.  In fact, one of my 100 favorite songs is “Agony” off of their album Shootenanny!.  With so much introspective sadness it’s a wonder it doesn’t wear off on the listeners.  

Before I continue, I must insist that you listen to “Agony”.  You can stream the song from here (press the next button until you get to track #6).  I’ll wait while you gather your noose, razor blades, and sleeping pills, settle down in the most acute corner of the nearest dark room, and let the blissful misery of this song soak deep into your bones.

Okay, you done?  Great.  Let’s continue…

So anyway, as I was wrapping up a bit of e-mail late one night last month I happened upon a show on KPBS where I swore I heard an Eels song playing in the background.  On the screen was a bearded guy smoking a cigar on a park bench.  He was talking about his father and how important it was to finally get to know him years after his death.  After a few minutes of trying to make sense of this show I flipped the channel, not knowing that what I was watching was Mark Oliver Everett, the lead singer of the Eels, talking about his late father, who just happened to mathematically conceive one of the most bizarre theories of quantum mechanics;  what he proposed was the “Many Worlds” theory, predicting that multiple parallel worlds existed beyond our own.

As I came to understand the importance of what I had missed when I so blithely turned the channel, that this show not only centered on the lead singer of a brilliant band, but also on the almost unbelievable fact that his father was such an iconic figure in science, I silently cursed myself and immediately began to scour the internet to purchase a copy of this NOVA production.

Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives follows Mark Everett as he travels the country to discover the father that he never knew.  Along the way his father’s theories are explored and explained, life lessons long since hidden away in dark cupboards and discarded boxes are uncovered, revelations are made, and an unfortunately ignored genius is finally given the exposure and appreciation it deserves.

Call me odd, but I enjoy stories like these.  With a running time at just under an hour, it’s easy enough to absorb, and it’s fascinating enough that you’ll want to share it with others.

Unpacking our weekly haul of groceries Karin picked up a seal pack of mushrooms and mumbled something about picking up a hitchhiker.  Handing the ‘shrooms to me she pointed out this little guy desperately trying to figure a way to freedom:

This got me thinking; I wonder how many bugs people inadvertently eat on a yearly basis.  If you ponder the process by which food is made, it isn’t raised or grown in sterile environments, but rather in farms and barns deluged with creepy-crawlies of all shapes and sizes.  It has to be an impossible task to remove all of them between the time it’s picked, caught, or killed, to when it finally appears in manageable bite-sized chunks on our plates ready and willing to be converted into energy.

The FDA apparently has guidelines in place that attempts to regulate how many contaminants consumers can ingest before it becomes something other than an “aesthetic” issue.  To quote the FDA:

The FDA set these action levels because it is economically impractical to grow, harvest, or process raw products that are totally free of non-hazardous, naturally occurring, unavoidable defects. Products harmful to consumers are subject to regulatory action whether or not they exceed the action levels.

Diving into this handout I’ve picked a few passages that you might find interesting.  I’ve made notes along the way to help you visualize the percentage of foreign material that can legally make it on to your dining room table:

ASPARAGUS, CANNED OR FROZEN
10% by count of spears or pieces are infested with 6 or more attached asparagus beetle eggs and/or sacs

BROCCOLI, FROZEN
Average of 60 or more aphids and/or thrips and/or mites per 100 grams
(NOTE: average bag of frozen broccoli is 100 grams)

CHOCOLATE
Any 1 subsample (100 grams)  contains 90 or more insect fragments
(NOTE: a standard Hershey’s Chocolate bar is 3.5oz (or 99.645 grams))

COCOA POWDER PRESS CAKE
Any 1 subsample (50 grams) contains 125 or more insect fragments

FIG PASTE
Contains 13 or more insect heads per 100 grams of fig paste
(Question: Why to so many insects lose their heads in the making of fig paste?) 

Blue Fin and other Fresh Water Herring
60 parasitic cysts per 100 fish (fish averaging 1 pound or less) or 100 pounds of fish averaging over 1 pound)
(NOTE: see Parasite Detoxification for further details.  This will make you think twice next time you order sushi.)

MACARONI AND NOODLE PRODUCTS
Average of 225 insect fragments or more per 225 grams
(NOTE: service size of macaroni is 2oz (56.94g))

NUTMEG, GROUND
Average of 100 or more insect fragments per 10 grams

OREGANO, GROUND
Average of 1250 or more insect fragments per 10 grams
(NOTE: small container of ground kitchen oregano is 21g)

PEPPER, GROUND
Average of 475 or more insect fragments and 2 or more rodent hairs per 50 grams
(NOTE: typical kitchen container of pepper is 63g)

TOMATO PASTE, PIZZA AND OTHER SAUCES
Average of 30 or more fly eggs per 100 grams
OR
15 or more fly eggs and 1 or more maggots per 100 grams
OR
2 or more maggots per 100 grams in a minimum of 12 subsamples