Terrible Analogies

Adam Richman and the crew over at Man v. Food held a live televised event the day before the Super Bowl.  The challenge: To consume a 48oz steak in under 20 minutes.

Now, for those of you familiar with this show, it came as a bit of a shock that this was the challenge. A mere 48 ounce steak? No side dishes or any other gastrointestinal requirements? Heck…even I, with the stomach of a bird and the willpower of a post-op Rosemary Kennedy could scarf down this slab of meat within the given time limit.

This amateurishly staged live “event” was painful to watch.  Fans held up “homemade” signs offering encouragement and proclaiming their unquestionable love for Man v. Food. Television announcers were scattered amongst the crowd giving play-by-play calls on the various shenanigans taking place within the unruly mob. All the while a live camera was keeping a vigilant eye on Adam as he paced a nearby hallway, psyching himself up for this momentous “challenge”.

Finally, the big moment arrived. Adam sat down and the steak was placed in front of his gapping maw. The clock began the countdown. Adam attacked the girth of his meat, manhandling the flaccid flesh, slicing healthy-sized cuts off of this sacrificial muscle and shoving them into his moist, quivering, expectant orifice.

The talking heads began offering ever more increasingly bizarre commentaries such as, “That’s a big bite!”, and, “His table manners are impeccable!”, and even “I envy the cow that gave her life for this!”.

At the 15 minute mark Adam asked for a ruling. The observing judge proclaimed Adam the victor, and Adam raised his arms above his head and let out a squeal of excitement.  The TV announcer stated (in a warbling voice well on the road to tears) that, “This is the triumph of the human spirit!”

If by “triumph” you mean “making a mockery of a once cool idea”, then yes, it was indeed a “triumph”.

Guys dressed up as a slice of pizza and a hotdog? Check! Cheerleaders? Check. Gold draperies nicked from your grandmother's house? Check! Let's get it on!

Come on, Adam. Beat that meat!

No, this not a joke. That's the "steak cam". *rolls eyes*

"They may take our lives, but they'll never take...our steak!!"

And so, I must ask this simple question…has Man v. Food jumped the shark?

Adam Richman is the man who tackled the 12 pound hamburger challenge, downed 180 oysters, grappled with the “biggest burrito in the west” (7 potatos, 1lb of ham, 12 eggs, a whole onion, cheese & chili), and consumed some of the hottest food on the face of the planet. Do you honestly believe that a 48oz steak is going present any sort of challenge to him, or be entertaining for the viewers to watch?

If the folks over at the Travel Channel are reading this, can I offer you a small bit of advice? If you’re going to do this again, get rid of the over-exuberant crowds, the idiotic commentary, and circus-like atmosphere. Take a cue from the television show and sit Adam down in a restaurant with a small group of people and give him a real challenge. I’m not here to watch the hype. I’m here to root for Adam in the hopes he’ll be able to throw down a vanquishing “M”.

And hey, if he loses, then I’m cool with that too. Just let the man to his thing.

Television, food food, Television

While channel surfing the other day I happened upon a nature show that I thought was about the majestic and often misunderstood piranha.  There they were, a glittering school of piranha gently hovering in their sepia-stained world, minding their own business when *bam*!  Ambushing from above with the speed of a hungry Haitian (too soon?) were two alien-looking appendages, quickly followed by two eyes the size of which I’ve only seen in my nightmares.

This, my friends, was the classic attack pattern of the noble Giant Water Bug:

This is the reason why I didn’t go wading into those slow, trickling streams during those Boy Scout Jamborees.  I knew, in the back of my young mind where the Boogie Man, the monsters under my bed, and WHAM! lived, that an abominable terror such as this was lurking in the shadows just below the surface, waiting for my innocent little pink toes to come within striking range of its sharpened beak and gripping exoskeleton.

Damn nature, you scary.

Animals, Television Animals, Television

“Food blamed for teen obesity”?  Gee, thanks for that breaking news, CNN.  Would have never figured that one out all on my own…

Strange Facts, Television Strange Facts, Television

My Mt. Whitney run / hike was a success!  Six hours up, four hours back.

Everyone I met on the trail was extremely courteous, allowing me to pass them without my having to ask, and even yelling the occasional encouraging word at me.  On the way down I returned the favor to the hikers still ascending, giving them the right of way, telling them, “You’re just about there, man!”

At 13,000 feet I began to experience quite a bit of altitude sickness.  It began with a headache, then pins and needles in the hands, then I developed a drunken stupor.  I began to have trouble placing my feet where I wanted them, and fell once because of it, stumbling over a large boulder.  Luckily I fell to my right.  If I had fallen to my left I would have fallen off trail and straight down the mountain. *whew*  Needless to say, this slowed me down quite a bit.

All told, I was on the trail at 5am, on the summit at 11am, and back at the car at 3pm.

On the descent it began to snow, which turned into rain at lower altitudes.  To add to this misery I ran out of water seven miles short of the trailhead.  I saved my final swig of water to choke down a handful of Tylenol and Motrin.  Out of water, I was forced to slow down and adopt the “survival trot” that’s familiar to distance runners in trouble.  Luckily, Karin met me on the trail a quarter of a mile from the finish with a nice cold Gatorade.  That was an amazing (and much welcome) surprise!

If I had to do it over again, I think I’d bring along a long sleeve shirt, more sun screen (can you say sunburn?), Chapstick, and definitely more water.

I hope you enjoy the following pictures.  As always, feel free to click on them to enlarge.  They’re well worth a closer look.

On the way to picking up my permit

A portion of the Eastern Sierra Mountain Range model located in the Visitor's Center

Woot! Day pass acquisition a success!

Wag bags are given out to every hiker

Back at the hotel, the Camelbak is primed and ready

Taking a dry run up to Whitney Portal to get my bearings the day before the run

On the trail at 5am, there's not much of a view this early in the morning

John Muir Wilderness trail sign

I had to navigate several of the river rock passes in the dark

Random hiker notices

Two miles into the run, Lone Pine Lake sign

Finally able to put my flashlight away and capture my first day shot

Looking back to capture the sunrise over Lone Pine Lake and Owens Valley

Another stone crossing. There was still snow on the mountain, and at lower altitudes I could hear waterfalls crashing all around me.

Early morning shot, nearing Outpost Camp

Early morning at Mirror Lake

Running deep in the mountains, still enjoying the sunrise

Running along side Trailside Meadow, just before breaking out of shadow and into the rising sun.

Entering Trail Camp. Notice the tent in the foreground. Lucky guy was the only hiker camped here.

Ascending the brutal 99 Switchbacks. It's difficult to appreciate how long these switchbacks last. The hikers at the top disappear from view. It's here at 12,000ft that I started to feel a bit knackered and sick.

September, and there's still snow on the ground

A short stretch of cable rail follows a portion of the 99 Switchbacks

Nearing the end of the switchbacks

The Trail Crest sign just past the end of the switchbacks

Looking down at the Hitchcock Lakes

Entering Sequoia National Park

The danger of lightning strikes is very real on Mt. Whitney

A portion of the trail a few miles from the summit, showing how easy it would be to fall over the side

The final two miles of the trail is a jumble of rocks and talus piles. It was here that I really began to feel the effects of altitude sickness, and very nearly went tumbling over the edge

The final push towards the top. Just out of view, the stone hut resides on the furthest peak, which is much further away than you think it is. You won't be able to see the hut until you're right on top of it, and it will signal the end of the trail.

Hikers tend to leave their packs behind for the final push up the mountain

The summit! It was here that I very nearly broke down into tears. Raising my hands in the air, pushing my hat off my head, I let a loud "Woo!" escape. A few hikers resting at the top clapped and congratulated me. One even offered me a few bites of salami and crackers after she kindly took my picture. If I had to describe my feelings here, it could best be summed up as an amalgamation of my fondest childhood Christmas morning, a silky morphine high, and a profound religious experience.

The plaque on the shack

The shack door, warning of lightning strikes

The rock plaque

Standing at 14,496 feet, on top of the highest mountain in the continental United States. I might be smiling here, but on the inside I'm dying to descend to a lower altitude to combat my altitude sickness.

Peak panorama, looking down on Mt. Russell

Looking down on Consultation Lake, Lone Pine Peak, Mt. Irvine, Mt. Langley, and Mt. McAdie. Notice the dark streaks of rain coming down on the right. This quickly caught up to me on the descent, turning into snow.

On the descent, looking down towards Bighorn Park and Outpost Camp

Another river rock path. After 18 miles these were not a welcome sight

Log path over a slow rolling river

On the way back I saw dozens of pine trees with these patterns cut into them. Does anyone know why this was done? Edit: Thanks to commenter Brain for clearing up this mystery for me. Apparently, these trees allow hikers to stay on trail when it snows.

And that’s it!  22 miles and 14,500 feet later in 10 hours and I’m spent.  For these next couple of days I’ll be resting and taking a steady diet of Motrin.  Hopefully I’ll be recovered enough for a quick run up Iron Mountain in a few days

Funny, Running, Sports, Television Running, Sports

A typical day for me:

6:50AM: Wake up, get dressed
7:45AM: Arrive at work early.  Update Sharepoint with patch data.  Resolve unpingable server issue
8:30AM: Coding begins again as I continue to undercover how jacked up Windows 2008 is
10:00AM: Attend meeting.  Pretend to care.
11:20AM: Lunch.  Picked up 28 Weeks Later on Blu-ray at Fry’s (on sale!)
12:20PM: Coding continues on Server Verification program.  Research 2008 default profiling
1:30PM: Coding continues.  Finally have 2008 automatic OS authorization working
2:00PM: Coding continues.  Woot!  Have proof of OS authorization reporting correctly to logs
2:10PM: Resolve why VM host keeps dropping from network
2:35PM: Yay!  Someone took our IP from a VM host.  Ganked it back & dropped their server
2:50PM: Coding continues.  Working on FTP log transmission & error catching subroutines
3:10PM: Repair broken .vbs script.  Charlotte and San Diego now communicating
3:45PM: Emergency request to find missing Novell data, which wasn’t missing.
3:55PM: Coding continues.  Automating 2008 Admin security profiles
4:15PM: Coding continues.  Trying valiantly to hide user account information upon log in
4:30PM: Another emergency.  Cracked into locked server whose password was forgotten
4:45PM: Throw my hands up, tear out my hair, demand my stapler back, walk out early

I’m done thinking for now.  Going home to take a shower and throw on a Babylon 5 DVD (just started season 4).  I’ll leave you with a picture of our cat because, well…just because.

…and before I forget, I want to give a shout out to Nicole from The Madlab Post for her generous review of my blog, and for placing me in amongst the top five badass blogs of 2009 (thus far).  It’s this supportive community of bloggers that makes the whole ritualized blogging process a rewarding one.  Everyone, from the readers, to the contributors, to the writers have my utmost respect.

Computer, Random, Television, Work Computer, Random, Work