Snakes On A…Car?

September 20th, 2011 7 comments

I was sitting my cubicle at work coding a project when my phone rang.  This was the strange conversation I had:

Me: “This is HermanTurnip”

Voice: “You really should roll up your windows.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Voice: “I see your car every day in the parking lot with its windows rolled down a crack.  You should roll them up.”

Me: “Why?”

Voice: “Snakes.”

Me: “Snakes?”

Voice: “Yes.  Snakes like to crawl through open car windows.  It’s a known fact.”

Me: “It is?  Who is this?”

Voice: *click*

Not only do I not know who I just had this strange conversation with, I had never heard that snakes have a penchant for cars with open windows.  I’ve lived in Southern California my entire life and am well aware of the snake population (and am on a first name basis with a few), but at no point has anyone ever warned me about this “snakes like cars” phenomena.

Am I missing something, or has this mystery person been sniffing too many office highlighters?

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Five Minute Fiction 9

September 19th, 2011 12 comments

Five Minute Fiction is an ongoing experiment. The goal: To write as much as I can in five minutes, letting the fingers do the work, then go back and clean it up.

Enjoy?

Space Madness

The mining cruiser Europa and her crew of five had been adrift on the far side of the Promethius system for nearly one standard month, having lost engine control after colliding with an uncharted asteroid.  With supplies running dangerously low none of the crew expected to survive to see rescue, but no one verbally expressed this shared opinion.

Standing by the airlock, Doctor Conrad was examining a complex series of mathematical equations on a holographic tablet when Corporal Kishore approached.

“Evening, Doctor,” Corporal Kishore said, feigning courtesy.  “Still intent on survival, I see.”

“Corporal.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t hear you approach,” Doctor Conrad said, tapping a corner of his tablet, allowing the holographic imaging to fade away like the dying embers of a spent firework.  “But since you’re here I was hoping we could discuss the matter of our current air supply.”

“Of course, Doctor, but we both know where that stands.  We’ll be lucky enough to last another twenty cycles.”

“Yes, yes.  But I’ve been running some numbers and I believe I’ve come up with a unique solution to our…problem,” Doctor Conrad calmly said, tapping the tablet once again.  Graphs and equations bloomed and floated above the screen.  “As you correctly stated, our current oxygen supply will sustain our compliment of five for roughly another 20 cycles, yes?” he said, handing the tablet to Kishore while reaching behind his back with his other hand. “But what if we didn’t have to sustain a crew of five?”

“What do you mean, Doctor?” Kishore said quizzically looking down at the hologram spinning lazily above the shiny black surface of the tablet, and in that moment that the good Doctor swung his fist into a high arc, bringing it and the neural shunt which it held down on to the exposed neck of Corporal Kishore, who instantly went limp and collapsed to the metal grating of the floor.

Unable to move but acutely conscious, Kishore felt the rough metal of the floor grate against the side of his face as the Doctor slowly dragged him into the airlock.

“As I said, Corporal,” Doctor Conrad deadpanned as Kishore’s eyes rolled crazily around in their sockets, “what if we didn’t have to sustain a crew of five?”  Exiting the airlock, he knelt down and whispered, “Don’t worry.  I’ll tell them you died a hero,” as he closed the airlock door and waited to hear the telltale echoey whoosh as the atmosphere inside was coldly lurched into space.

Doctor Conrad picked up the still active holographic tablet and began to make changes to the floating equations, making allowances for differences in supply demands, pursing his lips and furrowing his brow as he lost himself in the updated output.  Madly engrossed in his work, he was startled to hear a low, authoritative voice above him calmly state, “You should be in your quarters, Doctor.”

Looking up, he was greeted with the creased, calculating face of Captain Kelly peering down at him with those eerie, unblinking blue eyes.  “Of course, Captain,” he stuttered.  Pausing to analyze his tablet, Doctor Conrad took in a slow, deep breath to steady himself and reached behind his back.  “But since you’re here I was hoping we could discuss the matter of our current air supply…”

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Our Four Year Anniversary

September 16th, 2011 14 comments

Today marks our four year anniversary!

It’s scary how quickly four years can slip by.  It seems like just yesterday when Karin and I met for the first time for lunch, getting to know each other over self-conscious bites of sandwiches, trying our best not to get food stuck between our teeth.

And now here we are, four years later living in a great house with an amazing 19-month-old son, both of us doing quite well in our respective professions, and with no worries other than the upcoming zombie apocalypse.  How can life get any better?

And to celebrate, tonight we’ll be attending a production of The Rocky Horror Show at the Old Globe Theater in Balboa park.  We haven’t been to a play in several years, so this should be a fun!

This is a great way to kick off a relaxing weekend.  Hope everyone has a great one, and I’ll see you next week!

“I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey…”

UPDATE (9/18/11): If you’re anywhere near the San Diego area and you’re remotely interested in the Rocky Horror Picture show, go see this play!  I can’t emphasis it enough.  The guy playing Riff Raff possessed a powerhouse of a voice, Magenta and Columbia are perfectly cast, and Frank N. Furter looks surprisingly like Morressy and is a natural for the part.  And did I mention the Narrator?  This guy is something else, keeping everything together and making you laugh from start to finish.  It features a fantastic cast who really knows how to play to the audience, and even contains a new “Brad Song”.  When Karin and I went we saw people of all age groups attending, and everyone had a great time.  Do yourself a favor and see this play!

Personally, I’d love to see it one more time, and that’s coming from a straight-laced square…

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I’ll Be Back In Two Shakes

September 15th, 2011 7 comments

It’s nice to see that Michael J. Fox hasn’t lost his sense of humor.

Please be sure to stick around for the ending…

Heh… :-)

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Point Break: Redux?

September 14th, 2011 2 comments

So…the intellectually challenged monkeys over at Warner Bros. have let it be known that they’ve fast-tracked a Point Break remake. Devoid of ideas yet in need of a payday, Warner Bros. has decided to pick over the bones of Keanu Reeves’ career and the corpse of the recently-deceased Patrick Swayze, undoubtedly eager to replace Swayze’s spiritually aware surfing guru character with a narcissistic X-Treme sports addict, Reeves’ FBI agent with an urban hip-hop transplant from the Big City, and Gary Busey’s character with Gilbert Gottfried.

To quote producer Michael DeLuca:

Point Break’ wasn’t just a film, it was a Zen meditation on testosterone fueled action and manhood in the late 20th century and we hope to create the same for the young 21st!

“Zen meditation on testosterone”? Do you hear the words that come out of your mouth, Michael?  Why does this inane quote instantly turn me off to the idea of remaking this cult classic?

I’ve got a better idea.  Instead of placing your greedy hands on Point Break, why don’t you instead do a remake of, oh…I don’t know…Cassablanca?  What about Raging Bull, Pulp Fiction or Big Trouble In Little China? Come to think of it, why not do a remake of The Help?  I know, I know…The Help is still in the theaters, but after four weeks doesn’t it seem a bit long in the tooth?  I say it’s time to remake it, replacing the character of Skeeter with a junky with a heart of gold (I hear Emilo Esteves is available), and the maids with the cast of Glee.  It’ll be HUGE!

Lowest common denominator…here comes another slack-jawed, morally bankrupt movie aimed directly at you.  I know you were hungry for another Step It Up sequel, but trust me, I’m sure it’s in the pipeline.  Just give ‘em a few more months to crank it out.

“See you hell, Johnny!”

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