Terrible Analogies

Wandering around an open air mall in the San Diego area this past Saturday, happily working my way through a box of Good & Plenty, I passed a sign outside a tuxedo rental shop that struck me as a bit odd:

If I’m interpreting this sign correctly, the two people at either end are happy couples anxious to make their way to an unforgettable, magical senior prom evening.  But the cat in the middle, the one circled in red….what’s his story?  The phrase “third wheel” instantly comes to mind.  Apparently dateless, did he bribe his way into this particular clique with promises of free booze and pot?  

Perhaps he holds absolute power and sway over this small group who, for years afterwards, will harbor deep-seated guilt over having been controlled by this simpleton because he happened to stumble upon them during their most terrible, guilty moment of their young lives.  By their reckoning, should their loathsome, twisted secret ever be revealed, their lives as free men and women would surely be forfeit.

And so, when I take a second look at this ad, I no longer see the gleaming faces of youth eager to tackle the challenges of whatever life has to throw at them.  Instead, I see the silent cries of the wicked desperate anxious to put this tortuous evening behind them, pack up whatever meager possessions they own before the sun rises very next morning, and silently crawl out of town to take refuge in the world’s deepest, most secret cave.  Forever.

Of course, it could be that I’m reading too much into this placard…

Wherever I go I always carry around my Canon PowerShot SD770 “blackeye”.  It’s impossible to know exactly when a camera will come in handy.  Fed up with the quality of my cell phone pictures my wonderful wife surprised me with this amazing tiny camera for Christmas.  It’s subtle and far more convenient than lugging around my Nikon D200 everywhere I go.

Here is a quick overview of four pictures taken within the space of ten hours today:

Arriving at work the first thing I typically do is consume some sort of energy drink.  Today I overdid it and slammed down not just a Mana energy drink but also one of their newly released health drinks and a Monster.  Lemme tell ya, if you think it’s easy to code sober try it while woozy, shaking, and sweating from an overdose of chemicals spelled with more than 15 characters and six syllables, containing nearly 7000% the daily recommended dose of B12 , and 160 milligrams of caffeine.  Better living through chemistry…

For lunch I went to the gym, then made a quick run to the mall to pick up a tuna sandwich.  Killing a few minutes I stepped into a store where I saw this sad display of Brett Favre “action figures”.  Evidently they’re unable to unload this particular item, even with a 40% discount.  It appears that Favre’s star had fallen so hard that even Warren Moon is easily outselling the Favre figures.  QQ…

On my drive home I happened to fall in line at the metered freeway light behind this particular vehicle whose license plate was just too cool not to photograph.

Winding down for the day I managed to catch this condescending commercial that takes place in the front yard of a middle-class suburban home.  The man of the house has apparently wandered outside with a cereal box gingerly tucked in the crook of his arm, holding a bowl of said cereal floating gingerly in a pool of perfectly chilled milk, his other hand lovingly scooping with a spoon mounds of fiber goodness into his open, quivering, expectant mouth.  Meanwhile, what I can only assume is a friendly (if not over-exuberant) neighbor who, wearing a particularly distracting sweater vest and speaking in a thick Indian accent, explains in painfully detailed prose the health benefits of the cereal his now glassy-eyed neighbor with the 1000-yard stare is serenely consuming.

Outside.  In his bathrobe.  While a woman, who I can only assume is his wife, stares disdainfully at him.

In what reality does this occur, and why am I having such a difficult time wrapping my brain around these visuals?  Is it just me?

According to this old advertisement, raccoons are/were “one of America’s favorite pets, has always been and still is.”

Color me skeptic, but has this ever been the case?  I mean, I’ve never heard my parents waxing wistfully over bygone days of yore when they would while away the late summer afternoons doing clumsy childish cartwheels on the freshly cut grass in the shade of the cedar shake gazebo of the local park with their bestest friend in the whole wide world….their pet raccoon.

Is it just me, or does this ad seem to come from some alternate parallel dimension of reality where cuddling with the wild animal of your choice was considered just a normal part of childhood?

Perhaps that’s what’s wrong with me.  Could it be that the reason I sometimes feel so confused and bewildered about the world around me is because I simply never had the opportunity to contract a raging case of incurable rabies as a child?  

I suddenly feel so deprived…

Hypnotize others quickly, safely — perform any know hypnotic feat with ease!  Amaze friends – Exert your hypnotic power over others – be POPULAR and WANTED!

If only it was that simple.

…but think of it!  My friends, if it was that simple then for less than two dollars I’d be bestowed with the dark ability to hypnotize my way in to financial security, world peace, and a bitchin’ Camaro.  I would be able to weasel my way into the Lincoln bedroom, spirit myself to the front of every line at Disneyland, and whisk my way through the express checkout line at the supermarket with more than 15 items with No. Questions. Asked.

Life would be sweet.

One thing disturbs me though.  What the heck is this guy pointing at?  Is he breaking the fourth barrier and pointing directly at me beyond time and space though this print advert?  Is he simply pointing at the cameraman in a dramatic, practiced pose?  Or is he pointing with stunned shock at some sinister dark force steadily creeping up on the camera man as his picture was being taken in a desperate attempt to warn said cameraman that something none-too-nice with teeth and claw is about to ruin both their days?  The mind reels at the possibilities.