Terrible Analogies

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I seriously hope they were on the first floor…

I had a friend who used to live in an apartment which was situated above a concert hall. Nearly every night the walls of his place would vibrate to the sound of whatever activity was taking place in that cavernous entertainment complex below, and no amount of sound dampening material could muffle the noise.

Depending on the night you could sit in his living room and listen (quite clearly) to either a rock concert, comedy tour, self-help seminar, business convention or a play. My friend used to say that if life is a stage then his apartment is the dressing room.

This friend of mine wasn’t the highest achiever in the world. He had a low paying job down at the Jiffy Lube. He was one of those guys who would skulk about in the little room under the pavement waiting for cars to stop above so he could remove the oil pan screw to drain the oil, but he really didn’t mind that hot, cramped room because his job afforded him the opportunity to occasionally take a toke from a small pocket inhaler he used to carry around with him at all times.

To say that my friend was a stoner would be like saying Ronald McDonald “sorta liked” hamburgers; a blatant understatement. If there ever was a moment when he wasn’t baked I never saw it.

Luckily for my friend he was one of those “lucid” stoners who could talk about any subject in depth and keep you entertained for hours, unlike this guy who I can’t, for the life of me, understand one bit:

Man, I miss my friend. He eventually quit smoking, moved up to Oregon and became a lawyer. He now works as a public defender, which both does and does not surprise me one bit…

Pop quiz, hotshot.  Can you tell me what this is?

If you guessed jelly beans, a Muppet under construction, LED lights or a broken container which used to hold my hallowed dreams of a joyous future then you’d be incorrect.  This is, in actuality, the coating to a Tylenol-type asprin.

This bad boy was found sitting on the bottom of our washing machine.  It had gone through an entire washing cycle and emerged intact.

But wait a minute.  I was under the assumption that these coatings were supposed to break down when used.  Instead this thing survived a full permanent press wash, puffed up to twice its initial size (I’m assuming in a primitive fight/flight response to the threat of the spin cycle), and surfaced unscathed.

I wonder if these things actually survive a trip through the body as well, but I’m not too keen on really finding out…

Let’s hear it for my classy neighbors.  

From the people who brought you “Loud Parties At 1am“, “Public Intoxication And You“, and that classic chestnut “Let’s Invite A Live Band Over, Because We Don’t Give A Crap About Our Neighbors“, comes this new bit that I’d like to call “Baby With A Bong“.  I hope you enjoy:

Bong on the ground in front of Joe Cool, who's standing in front of a stroller.

Everyone (?) has a neighbor from hell, and this is mine.  These people are the very definition of “white trash”.  Come on guys, this neighborhood is full of kids and toddlers.  Go back to the trailer park with your “too cool for school” attitude.  God has a tornado he wants to give you.

Wow. Just….wow.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Mexico legalizes drugs for personal consumption.  Well, actually, they haven’t yet…but they’re standing on the precipice and looking straight down the barrel of that particular gun.  I guess if you have the one of the largest and deadliest active drug wars being waged in your own front yard you have to come up with something to combat the uncontrollable violence that’s rotting your country from the inside out.  

This could also serve as a great case study to see what actually happens when a country as large as Mexico decides to cast aside the War On Drugs mantra and allow the people who are already using illegal substances to do so in a legal manner.

Let’s hope this won’t be a half-hearted attempt at changing a failed policy.  If Mexico is to do this right, they need to not only stop prosecuting harmless users, but also offer an alternative to illicit sources.  With drugs legalized and regulated, less money will find its way into criminal organizations.  It might even go so far as to persuade the drug cartels into going legit, pay taxes on their products, and transform themselves into honest businessmen.  Yeah, keep dreaming.  Right?

Come to think of it, this could usher in a rebirth and resurrection of sorts for Mexico.  No longer would people have to travel to Amsterdam to party, they could simply skip on down south of the border.  Mexico could reap in the new tax dollars, and with the violence quashed the tourists would return and prop up the economy even more.

If it comes to fruition, this first step at legalizing drugs in Mexico will effectively push the cost of the War On Drugs back across the border and squarely on the shoulders of the United States.  I’d be curious to see how the U.S. reacts.

I’m not saying that legalization is the cure all for what ails Mexico, but done responsibly it’s a step in the right direction.  Look, it’s either legalize the stuff or continue fighting a losing battle.  What would you suggest?

I dunno…at the very least if Vicente Fox signs this into law this is going to be something very interesting to watch.  Desperate times call for drastic measures I suppose…