Terrible Analogies

Mulling over my 2500+ DVD / Blu-ray collection this weekend, I was in the mood for an action/adventure type of flick. Equilibrium? No, too preachy. The Road Warrior? No, too gritty. Ronin? No, too good (save that for later). Ah…what’s this? Peter Jackson’s King Kong? Well, I hadn’t seen this since its release. I had completely forgotten that I even owned a copy, so I decided to give it a spin.

Bouncing downstairs with King Kong in hand I threw it into the PS3, settled down with a glass of Sam Adams, and prepared to be entertained.

Unfortunately, what I witnessed could not be classified as “entertainment”.

Not to put too fine of a point on it, but Peter Jackson’s King Kong is perhaps one of the worst movies ever made. I find it hard to believe that the same guy who filmed the Lord Of The Rings trilogy managed to create this stink of a movie. Overproduced, poorly acted, and overly long are perfect descriptors for this embarrassment of a major motion picture release. I could only bring myself to watch up through the dinosaur stampede scene before jumping from the couch and angrily pushing the eject button with furious rage.

I felt used, belittled, and manipulated.

Now I know why I couldn’t recall anything about this film.

I had had enough. No, Peter, I’m not scared by skulls. Please stop with your dramatic slow motion zooms onto every skull on the island. No, Peter, I don’t feel like your 80’s era special effects drew me into the action. I felt like you were mocking the audience by making us watch the deck hand as he did his best Curly Howard impersonation, running in an obvious cable harness as the “ground” fell out from under him (note: this was the scene that solidified the painful, gnawing notion in my belly that I was watching a film that was worse than Dead Ringers). And no, Peter, Jack Black is not a dramatic thespian capable of eliciting an emotional bond between the viewer and his character. In fact, I was hoping that you would be breaking from script and offing Black in the first miserable act.

Question for you Peter; did you even pay attention to the way in which King Kong was swinging and thrashing about the character of Ann? Any normal mortal would have had their neck snapped in an instant. Now, I know I’m supposed to suspend my disbelief here. I mean, after all, this movie is about a 25 foot gorilla…but come on. I dare you to revisit this scene and tell me how Ann didn’t have her delicate neck snapped in two, show any visible signs of whiplash, or at least pass out due to the rough treatment from said ape.

As I write this post I’m skimming through this film on my computer. Skipping to the end I’m greeted with the most cringe worthy tag line of the entire movie. The way in which Jack Black utters the classic line “It was beauty killed the beast,” I was half expecting him to break out into a Carrot Top inspired object-oriented comedy bit routine. I’m still unsure how he managed to hold back the giggle that the obvious twinkle in his eyes betrayed. Black must have known that he didn’t have the acting chops to carry this flick. How he ever got the part I’ll never know.

To think that I wasted $15 on this film during its initial DVD release. What a waste.  I’m going to purge this movie from my internal data bank (again) by throwing in a copy of Bad Taste tonight. At least that movie was bad in a cool sort of way.

DVD, Movies DVD, Movies

I’m a movie fanatic.  No, wait…that doesn’t sound right.  Movie buff?  No, that won’t do.  Movie freak?  Yeah, that sounds more like it.  What does my movie collection look like?  I’ll show you mine if you show me yours:

I’ve often been asked what my “Top 10″ movies of all time are.  Well, my top five have been pretty solidly locked in place for years now, with the six through ten slots changing a bit over time.

If you were to ask me today what my top ten movies are, this is the list I’d rattle off:

1) Fight Club
“We have front row seats for this theater of Mass Destruction. The Demolitions Committee of Project Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin. In two minutes, primary charges will blow base charges, and a few square blocks will be reduced to smoldering rubble. I know this, because Tyler knows this.”  And so begins this modern tale of confusion, mistrust, empowerment, schizophrenic behavior, and soap.  Beautifully filmed and very nearly loyal to the novel, David Fincher captures the alienation and minimization of the individual in the face of a corporate, materialistic world, and how it sends one man over the edge.

2) The Warriors
Based on the ancient Greek story Anabasis, about a group of mercenaries trapped deep behind enemy lines, The Warriors follows a street gang after a botched truce meeting in the Bronx as they bop their way back to the safety of their home turf of Coney Island.  This 1979 film is highlighted by imaginative gangs and costumes (go Furies!), and from what I’ve read was actually considered controversial for its time.  Any movie that Pop Will Eat Itself sampled heavily from is okay in my book.

3) 12 Angry Men (1957)
Throw some of the finest actors of a generation into a room, lock the doors and let the cameras roll, and you have the makings of one of the finest films ever captured on celluloid.  Henry Fonda leads the cast as the lone holdout on a jury who, over the course of the film, gradually sways the eleven other jurors over from their impetuous guilty judgements.  This is the very definition of a character driven film.  

4) Repo Man
It’s hard to imagine a time when Emilio Estevez had a viable career, but in 1984 he starred as Otto in this movie about (surprise!) repo men.  Part schtick, part social commentary, a dash of conspiracy, and a heaping pile of musical goodness, Repo Man not only stands the test of time, it forms a cornerstone of cool in an era of self-importance in the “Me” generation.  It’s 4 A.M., do you know where your car is?  Oh, and +1 for the inclusion of Harry Dean Stanton!

5) The Matrix
Locked in a prison we can’t see, ruled over by Agents we can’t defeat, leading lives we have no control over.  This is The Matrix, and Neo wants to free humanity from it’s invisible shackles.  Ground breaking for its time, the Wachowski brothers forced the red pill down our collective throats, allowing us to see what binds us, and what will eventually set us free.  The Matrix is the one movie all other science fiction movies wish they were.

My top 6-10 movies are very fluid, with a few jostling for position, and a couple that have fallen out of favor, replaced by new/old comers.  These movies are, in short:

If I had to recommend one of these as a “must watch” film, it would have to be The Dish.  It’s a lighthearted film about the Australian contribution to the first landing on the moon and the subsequent television broadcast of Neil Armstrong’s first tentative steps on the surface.  Brilliantly cast is Sam Neill as the head of the Parks team, and Puddy (er, sorry…Patrick Warburton), as the U.S. liaison.  An absolutely charming movie, perfect family fare, and an essential part of any movie collection.  Just go watch it already!

So….what are some of your favorite films?

Blu-ray, DVD, Movies Blu-ray, DVD, Movies

Best Buy:

Over the past two years we’ve become very familiar with each other.  Every Tuesday I loyally make the quick drive from work to see you during my lunch hour, anxious to see what new movies were released on DVD.  Slowly, I would wander your aisles, softly whispering movie titles under my breath, carefully fondling your newly stocked selection, and unconsciously, almost out of loving reverence, when I noticed a DVD out of place, I would pick it up and gently place it in its correct location.

Things were good and right with the world.  My movie collection was growing at an exponential rate, and I couldn’t be happier.  It was then, after nearly a two-year love affair, that she showed up.

Her name was blu-ray.

The moment that I gave in, my knees trembling, seduced by her superior picture and sound, I knew our relationship was on rocky ground.

Sure, things were still status quo for a couple of weeks.  I was swinging by every Tuesday afternoon, but now I was noticing things…small things really, that I never noticed before.  Your blu-ray selection was sparse, leaving me wanting.  Your prices were high, often charging me double what a new DVD would sell for.  Your once bright and comforting atmosphere began to grow cold and aloof.  I no longer felt at ease under the flat sheen of your unwavering florescent lights.

This is difficult for me to say, so I think I’ll just say it:  I think we should spend some time apart.  You know, perhaps see other people?  I still love you, I really do.  It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this in person.  Writing this letter was hard enough, and I couldn’t bear saying these words and seeing the heartache on your face.  Please, forgive me.

Love,  HermanTurnip

P.S.  I’ll be spending my Tuesday’s at Fry’s, you know…if you ever want to talk.

Blu-ray, DVD, Movies Blu-ray, DVD, Movies

If you haven’t seen Denzel Washington in Man On Fire, stop reading this blog right now.

No, seriously….just stop.  right.  there.  Pick up the movie and watch it.  It’s brilliant.

Go ahead.  I’ll wait….

[HermanTurnip taps his foot....whistles....twiddles his thumbs...performs some long division...]

You’re back?  Okay, great!  We can now continue.

Karin and I watched Man On Fire on blu-ray last night.  This emotional roller coaster might very well be Denzel Washington’s finest film.  If the end times were nigh, the red menace was knocking at my front door forcefully hawking Girl Scout cookies with impish glee, and the resulting zombie hordes were slowly shuffling towards me screaming for my brains, I’d want John Creasy guarding my back with a dual chamber 8-gauge scatter gun and a mean case of the heebie jeebies.

But one thing bothered me.  In the 146 minutes that this film spanned, one scene lasting not but a fraction of that time made me jump from the couch, grab the remote, and smash the “pause” button with the fervor of a maniacal true believer pointing to the passage in the New Testament which he ardently believes provides undeniable proof that the Son of God is among the living making preparations for the final judgment.

I wasn’t sure I saw what I just saw.  I just couldn’t believe my eyes.

It was near the end of the film, where Denzel/Creasy is mustering what strength he has left in his body to walk to his certain doom, redeem himself for all past sins, and offer the ultimate sacrifice, guaranteeing his place by the Lord’s side.

But when I scanned back and paused, there it was.

At the end of Man On Fire, Denzel Washington is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice

Hmmmm....just a tad dark. Lets lighten it up a bit

Gack! Correct me if I'm wrong, but fingers aren't meant to bend like that

Okay....I'm making myself ill. Is this the result of an old war wound, an overly-exuberant session of Scattegories, or the result of a particularly physical game of pickup b-ball?

Blu-ray, DVD Denzel Washington, DVD, Movies

I was on business travel in Charlotte when I was first exposed to the HBO mini-series Generation Kill.  For an hour I sat glued to a broken television that would, on queue every five minutes, fade out into a field of static for nearly a minute.  At first I was unsure what I was watching, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn the channel.  What was unfolding was the tale of a Marine reconnaissance unit traveling deep behind Iraqi enemy lines during the first phase of the second war in 2003 utilizing a combat strategy that had never been tested before.  With no backup, these Marines were asked to act as the sharp point of the spear, using speed as their primary weapon as they headed ever deeper into hostile territory with nothing but their unarmored Humvees for protection.

What drew me in was the fact that this was what actually happened.  This was how the men spoke, how they interacted with each other and their commanding officers, and how they were forced to adapt and overcome to survive (no matter how cliched that sounds).  These were the rules that they lived by, where the basic doctrine of military warfare was forsaken, and how the average grunt tried to make sense of the chaos all around him.  From invaders guilt to desperately wanting to score a kill, this show had it all.

Finally, Generation Kill has been released on DVD.  Karin and I have yet to finish the series (we have one episode left to view), but this HBO presentation has been so amazing that I simply had to pick up the book it was based on.

Written by Evan Wright, Generation Kill is a first-hand account of what occurred while he was attached to First Recon, and much of the written word has been faithfully translated onto the small screen.  If you enjoyed the series and you haven’t read the book, you’re doing yourself a disservice.  There’s so much that went on during the time covered in the book that didn’t make it into the series, and knowing the details that are glossed over in the show makes watching Generation Kill just that much more enjoyable.

What gets me is that Evan Wright was given the opportunity to hang back during a particularly dangerous mission, yet he declined.  This, above everything, revealed his true character.  He wasn’t just a quiet kind of guy.  He was something much more.  To understand what I’m trying to convey pick up the DVDs.  Don’t think about it, just do it.  I wouldn’t steer you wrong here… (would I write this wall of text if I didn’t think this was an amazing series?)

I’m no “war monger”, but I was in the Air Force.  Granted, what I experienced during my military career was a far cry from what these Marines went through (but a Marine did back me up in a fight once while I was serving in Japan, so I have a certain soft spot for them), I can still feel a certain kind of kinship towards them.  Even though I was but a shadow of what these men were, anyone with a love for country, or love for a great story, will easily come to appreciate what Generation Kill has to offer.

Even though I already own the DVD set, I can’t wait for the blu-ray version to be released in December.  In fact, I already have it pre-ordered.

Lee Tergesen portraying the author Evan Wright, better known as "Rolling Stone"

Iceman firing a smoke bomb at an approaching vehicle

The commanding officer known as "Godfather"

"Check it out. You're dead *ducks down* alive. Dead. Alive. Dead. Alive..."

Captain American: Is it wrong for me to hope that someone caps his ass before the last episode?

DVD insert showing the main characters

Book cover. Seriously....buy it!

Books, DVD, Television Books, DVD, Generation Kill