Terrible Analogies

I was recently gifted with an unusual object that here unto had been foreign to my eyes.  I’ve heard vague, whispered talk of such things, but have always dismissed the chatter as tawdry conjecture and vapid gossip.  That is, until very recently, when I came into possession of what I previously had believed to be nothing more than east coast rumor.

Bequeathed to me was a small, frozen loaf of meat product bearing the most unfortunate moniker “Scrapple”.

Wow, this stuff actually does exist.  From what I gather this is more of a mainstay on the east coast, but somehow or another this specimen managed to make it into my refrigerator, and for good or ill I was going to sample this forbidden meat.

Yep, this is a loaf of something alright, and already my will was beginning to crumble.  Was I really going to eat this?  Well, how bad can it be?  Let’s look at the ingredients::

Umm….is it too late to “white elephant” this gift?

No, no…stay strong.  Let’s see this though to the end just to say that I’ve tried Scrapple.

You know, this product doesn’t look nearly as offensive once you cut it into manageable chunks.  Seven minutes per side over medium heat and these babies were soon browned and ready for consumption.  One slice was slathered in ketchup, the other soaked in a pool of maple syrup.

Wow…this stuff is actually pretty darn good.  It has the texture and flavor of sausage, only creamier and mellower.  The Scrapple covered in ketchup was fantastic.  Consider me a convert.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see if the local market carries this product.

It’s as if the gods themselves descended from their various perches on high and bestowed upon mankind this most ambrosial of delicacies:

This stuff is nothing short of awesome.  You may disagree, but you’d be wrong.

Just wanted to throw out a quick “Thank you!” to the bro-in-law for picking me up several bottles of one of my favorite drinks from Mitsuwa:

If you haven’t tried this drink before, I suggest you run down to your local asian store and pick up a case or two.  Don’t let the white color dissuade you.  Calpico tastes surprisingly like Orange Julius, and the colder you get this drink, the better it tastes.

Again, many thanks Shannon for thinking of me.  Will return the favor!

Adam Richman and the crew over at Man v. Food held a live televised event the day before the Super Bowl.  The challenge: To consume a 48oz steak in under 20 minutes.

Now, for those of you familiar with this show, it came as a bit of a shock that this was the challenge. A mere 48 ounce steak? No side dishes or any other gastrointestinal requirements? Heck…even I, with the stomach of a bird and the willpower of a post-op Rosemary Kennedy could scarf down this slab of meat within the given time limit.

This amateurishly staged live “event” was painful to watch.  Fans held up “homemade” signs offering encouragement and proclaiming their unquestionable love for Man v. Food. Television announcers were scattered amongst the crowd giving play-by-play calls on the various shenanigans taking place within the unruly mob. All the while a live camera was keeping a vigilant eye on Adam as he paced a nearby hallway, psyching himself up for this momentous “challenge”.

Finally, the big moment arrived. Adam sat down and the steak was placed in front of his gapping maw. The clock began the countdown. Adam attacked the girth of his meat, manhandling the flaccid flesh, slicing healthy-sized cuts off of this sacrificial muscle and shoving them into his moist, quivering, expectant orifice.

The talking heads began offering ever more increasingly bizarre commentaries such as, “That’s a big bite!”, and, “His table manners are impeccable!”, and even “I envy the cow that gave her life for this!”.

At the 15 minute mark Adam asked for a ruling. The observing judge proclaimed Adam the victor, and Adam raised his arms above his head and let out a squeal of excitement.  The TV announcer stated (in a warbling voice well on the road to tears) that, “This is the triumph of the human spirit!”

If by “triumph” you mean “making a mockery of a once cool idea”, then yes, it was indeed a “triumph”.

Guys dressed up as a slice of pizza and a hotdog? Check! Cheerleaders? Check. Gold draperies nicked from your grandmother's house? Check! Let's get it on!

Come on, Adam. Beat that meat!

No, this not a joke. That's the "steak cam". *rolls eyes*

"They may take our lives, but they'll never take...our steak!!"

And so, I must ask this simple question…has Man v. Food jumped the shark?

Adam Richman is the man who tackled the 12 pound hamburger challenge, downed 180 oysters, grappled with the “biggest burrito in the west” (7 potatos, 1lb of ham, 12 eggs, a whole onion, cheese & chili), and consumed some of the hottest food on the face of the planet. Do you honestly believe that a 48oz steak is going present any sort of challenge to him, or be entertaining for the viewers to watch?

If the folks over at the Travel Channel are reading this, can I offer you a small bit of advice? If you’re going to do this again, get rid of the over-exuberant crowds, the idiotic commentary, and circus-like atmosphere. Take a cue from the television show and sit Adam down in a restaurant with a small group of people and give him a real challenge. I’m not here to watch the hype. I’m here to root for Adam in the hopes he’ll be able to throw down a vanquishing “M”.

And hey, if he loses, then I’m cool with that too. Just let the man to his thing.

To keep with the food theme, I’ve a quick question for you.  Can you identify what this is?:

Ice cream, perhaps?  No.

Yogurt, perchance?  Uh uh.

Bubble gum?  Natch.

This is what’s known in the industry as “mechanically separated chicken”.

Yep, that’s the remains of chicken bones and other rejected parts from the noble yard bird.  But, what exactly is “mechanically separated chicken” anyway?  Whelp, according to the National Food Safety Board, MSC is:

a paste-like poultry product produced by forcing crushed bone and tissue through a sieve or similar device to separate bone from tissue. Mechanically separated poultry has been used in poultry products since 1969 after the National Academy of Sciences found it safe for use. In 1995 the final rule on mechanically separated poultry said it was safe to use without restrictions. However, it must be labeled as “mechanically separated chicken or turkey” in the ingredient statement. The final rule became effective Nov. 1996.

Yummy!  Makes me hungry just reading that.

Oh, and in case you’re curious about what they mean when they say meat by-products, the definition is:

the non rendered, clean parts, other than meat, derived from slaughtered mammals. It includes, but is not limited to, lungs, spleen, kidneys, brain, livers, blood, bone, partially defatted low-temperature fatty tissue and stomachs and intestines freed of their contents. It does not include hair, horns, teeth and hooves.

In a nutshell, meat by-products are parts of the animal not fit for human consumption

So, the next time you’re chowing down on a can of Spam, a Slim Jim, or a hearty helping of the potted meat product of your choice, I hope you have a better understanding of how this food is produced.  As for me, I’m going to cook me up a hotdog.  Bon Appétit.