Terrible Analogies

Work has wrapped its sticky tentacles of doom about me, gripping me by the back of my head and rubbing my nose into my computer screen while screaming, “Bad admin!  Baaad admin!”  So far the clock is at 12+ hours of work, with quite a bit of overtime left in my immediate future.  

And I so wanted to watch Constantine tonight.  Damn.

I apologize for this lack of a post.  In it’s stead, please enjoy this picture of a slip-n-slide fail:

See you (hopefully) tomorrow!

At this weekend’s Celebrity Championship tour, Michael Jordan was greeted with this unusual sighting at the 17th green:

Umm….wow.  They certainly take their golf seriously up in Tahoe. I was watching this on television and wasn’t sure I saw what I thought I saw until I found it posted on youtube. I figured somebody must have posted it online, and I wasn’t disappointed when I went looking for it:

Thank God for the webbernets, preserving those important moments for all time…

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re in front of a computer.  

It’s eerie how I know this, no?  My powers of observation are almost uncanny…

Whelp, it’s finally Friday, and we all know what that means; time to get liquored up and do some stunts!

Man…I want to party with that guy!  I can see it now.  Yuri and I would go out on an all night bender, and in the morning put on our banana costumes and report to our court-ordered public service gig:

Afterwards, we’d jump on our bikes and make our way back to the bar for dollar beer night:

That’s the way we’d roll, Yuri and I…  Happy Friday!

I was playing Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker on my MAME arcade machine the other day, deftly fighting my way though wave after wave of knife-wielding rednecks, skulking mobsters and deadly robots, armed with nothing more than my crystal-encrusted glove, my chimp buddy Bubbles, and my electric personality, when something struck me as a bit…odd.

Attacking our fearless hero Michael is a surprisingly well prepared army of “roaring 20′s” style gangsters, cloaked hit men, gas-tossing chemists, as well as manned and unmanned robots.  Amid this cast of characters there seemed to be a subset of baddies who appeared to not be wearing any pants.  By all indications, they were coming at Michael “commando” style, fully cocked and ready to rock:

Okay, I can understand if this was a poor color choice for pants, yet  I still question the developers for what I can only assume to be design input from MJ himself.  I was going to let this slide until, later in the game, another strange thing began to attack our lone champion:

This mini-boss has eyes for our intrepid smooth criminal.  His weapon of choice: A metallic battering ram that repeatedly thrusts in and out from the waist area.  Long, hard, and green, this boss wants nothing more than to repeatedly violate Michael about the face with his protruding tool.  If our slide glidin’ adventurer doesn’t beat this foe off quickly enough, miniature golden bosses are spawned, each with a similar rocket in its pocket aimed at Michael’s lower gyrating extremities.

If by "wondrous and magical adventure" you mean "tied up and held captive", then I'm sure you will Michael. I'm sure you will...

As a child I don’t recall Moonwalker being so graphically questionable, but as an adult playing this game, I wonder if “game designer” Michael Jackson was trying to tell us something about himself way back in 1990…

We were watching television late last night when an advertisement caught my attention.  Apparently Playmates has a line of toys modeled after malicious man-killing machines from the movie Terminator Salvation that are being marketed directly to young children.  Now, I know that Terminator Salvation is rated PG-13, but it just feels odd to target young children like this with toys modeled after hyper-violent fictional characters from a movie aimed at mature audiences.  

I felt the same way when The Dark Knight was out in theaters.  The toy companies tried to shoehorn in toys tied to that film.  At best it felt like an awkward attempt at trying to cash in on such a somber, violent movie.  At worst, one could feel the greed that oozed from these toys.  The Dark Knight simply didn’t translate itself well to the toy market, and gifting a toy modeled after a serial killer or a machine hellbent on the destruction of mankind could send mixed messages to an impressionable mind.

But then again, I guess it all depends on the maturity level of the child.  Who am I to say?

Anyway, watching this commercial last night got me thinking; what other movies have the toy companies overlooked that could quite possibly be a cash cow for them?  Here are a few of my suggestions:

No Country For Old Men: Toy set comes complete with replica pump-air powered cattle gun, oversized “lucky” U.S. quarter, english-to-spanish dictionary, and miniature bag of money.

Death Race (2008): Includes a scaled version of Frankenstein’s customized ’72 Riviera with spring-loaded machine guns, Hector Grimm action figure with detachable head, temporary facial tattoos, and replica prison workout yard replete with miniature weight set and chain link fences.

Fight Club: Kit comes with bottle of lye, a slice of fatback, oils and salt, a $10 coupon for a Goodwill shirt, primer cord, and an imaginary loaded gun.  Kids, use with parental supervision. 

The Big Lebowski:  Inside a bowling ball shaped container your special snowflake will find a miniature pin set with roll-out bowling lane, a Jackie Treehorn coloring book, a The Dude action figure with removable sunglasses, roach clip, and glass beverage, and a rug inspired from the film that ties the whole set together.

Really, I think the toy companies are missing a huge opportunity here.  There’s a whole segment of the marketplace that hasn’t been exploited yet, and would be willing to pay big bucks for toy sets such as these.  Heck, the collector segment alone could bankroll this idea.