Terrible Analogies

I have a quick question: What happens if, while playing poker, somebody dies at the table with an open hand?  Does that count as a fold?  Is the hand re-dealt?  Does anyone get to see the dead man’s cards, or do they go back into the deck face down?  What happens to the pot, and the dead man’s bets?

I’m sure Vegas has rules for such things, but I’ve never seem ‘em.

And, on a completely unrelated note, the brother-in-law hooked me up with a copy of Fallout 3 for Christmas, and I’ve been playing it nonstop ever since.  Sure, it’s not quite as expansive as Oblivion (which I loved to death and played through twice), but it’s one of these games that seems to pull you right in and sucks the life from your very marrow.  I find it difficult to put down.  I swear, I’ve only managed eight hours of sleep these past two nights.  I feel like a zombie but I’m dying for another fix of this accursed game.

It’s funny how these addictions seem to catch you when you’re most unprepared.  Heh…

Game, Random Game, Random

Taking the Eye In The Sky from the bookshelf, I study the box and wonder, “just who is their proofreader?”

Game, toys Game, toys

For the past few days I’ve been glued to my arcade machine, unable and unwilling to tear myself away for any great length of time.  I’ve found myself addicted to a game I had somehow managed to miss during my arcade-hopping years in the late 80’s to early 90’s.  Lost in a shuffle of neon lights, Vegas-style low-shag high-traffic carpeting, change machines, and questionable chain smoking characters lurking behind glass counters, eyeing the kids with malicious intent was this game that I had only, in these recent days, come to discover and absolutely embrace.

This game goes by the name Nitroball, and it currently owns my soul.

Nitroball can best be described as a cross between Smash TV and NFL Football, set inside a gigantic pinball machine.  I know how funky that sounds (heck, the logistics and costs of constructing such a massive pinball machine located at the edge of space in and of itself boggles the mind), and that’s part of the appeal of this game.  In Nitroball, you play the part of a “soldier” in a futuristic game show, and your goal is simple; kill the baddies and grab the prizes.  Thin on plot, but interesting gameplay and unusual visuals keeps you pumping in quarter after quarter.

Not much thought went into the design of the tease screen...

Apparently this game takes place inside a huge pinball machine floating at the edge of space

You play Gary, an ex-Navy "sregeant" (whatever that is). At over 6' and weighing in at a gangly 177lbs, I don't think our hero stands much of a chance against the upcoming onslaught.

Look at the kind of crap Gary has to contend with: spelling competitions, crazed overall-wearing ducks, villains in purple leisure suits, and autonomous robots showering the field with high explosives.

Mini-boss time!

Laying waste to "Ghost Town"

Ghosts, and zombies, and truckers...oh my!

It's nice to see that, in the distant future, dual cassette tape decks are considered "big prizes"

You can keep your XBoxes, your PS3s, and your newfangled Atari 5200s.  I’m keeping it real, rocking the original games that made going to the arcades so much fun back in the day…

Arcade Game, Game, Tech, toys Arcade Game, Game, Tech

I was playing Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker on my MAME arcade machine the other day, deftly fighting my way though wave after wave of knife-wielding rednecks, skulking mobsters and deadly robots, armed with nothing more than my crystal-encrusted glove, my chimp buddy Bubbles, and my electric personality, when something struck me as a bit…odd.

Attacking our fearless hero Michael is a surprisingly well prepared army of “roaring 20’s” style gangsters, cloaked hit men, gas-tossing chemists, as well as manned and unmanned robots.  Amid this cast of characters there seemed to be a subset of baddies who appeared to not be wearing any pants.  By all indications, they were coming at Michael “commando” style, fully cocked and ready to rock:

Okay, I can understand if this was a poor color choice for pants, yet  I still question the developers for what I can only assume to be design input from MJ himself.  I was going to let this slide until, later in the game, another strange thing began to attack our lone champion:

This mini-boss has eyes for our intrepid smooth criminal.  His weapon of choice: A metallic battering ram that repeatedly thrusts in and out from the waist area.  Long, hard, and green, this boss wants nothing more than to repeatedly violate Michael about the face with his protruding tool.  If our slide glidin’ adventurer doesn’t beat this foe off quickly enough, miniature golden bosses are spawned, each with a similar rocket in its pocket aimed at Michael’s lower gyrating extremities.

If by "wondrous and magical adventure" you mean "tied up and held captive", then I'm sure you will Michael. I'm sure you will...

As a child I don’t recall Moonwalker being so graphically questionable, but as an adult playing this game, I wonder if “game designer” Michael Jackson was trying to tell us something about himself way back in 1990…

Celebrities, Computer, Funny, Game Celebrities, Computer, Funny, Game

Alright, after many months of storage I finally have my MAME arcade machine up and running again.  I have a carefully collected library of nearly 600 games courtesy of Usenet, but I just received a new updated shipment of MAME games this afternoon, so I’m anxious to refresh my ROM folder.  Unfortunately my MAME-dedicated computer doesn’t have a DVD reader on it.  In fact, this particular computer hasn’t been on the internet since 2001, is running a first generation unpatched version of WinXP Home, and is incapable of reading my external hard drives.

Yanking the computer from my arcade cabinet and hauling it upstairs to update it, I’m actually surprised to discover that this ancient hunk of metal has an Ethernet port.  I was fully expecting to have to update it using a complicated series of smoke signals, pantomimes, and sea shanties.

My ancient computer is incapable of seeing external hard drives, which is a pity because as everyone knows, I'm a backup fiend...

Yes, you're reading that right. 108 updates required. This computer was rockin' it old school

As so, instead of a quick update, I’m now relegated to hours of work, then I’ll be occupied with copying my MAME DVDs to an external hard drive, then from the HD to my relic of a PC.

My arcade machine looks so sad without a brain to drive it.  No lights, no sound, and no games.  Poor thing.

Don’t worry, little buddy.  I’ll soon have you up and running once again with Robotron, Metal Slug, and Dragon’s Lair before you can say “quarter haven”…

Happy Friday everyone!

Computer, Game Computer, Game