Terrible Analogies

I swung by Fry’s during lunch today to pick up Terminator: Salvation, and noticed that the ‘New Releases’ blu-ray section was missing.  Walking around for minute thinking that they might have moved it to another location, I quickly came to realize that I didn’t overlook it.  It was simply…gone.

An employee must have seen me wandering around doe-eyed and slack-jawed like an abandoned Alzheimer’s patient off his meds, and he cautiously snuck up on me from downwind, using the bright overhead halogen warehouse lights as cover.  Silently sidestepping into my field of vision, he opened his mouth, and this was our exact conversation:

Fry: “Can I help you find something?”
Me: “You used to have a section for ‘New Releases’…”
Fry (nodding his head): “Yep.”
Me: “Did you move it?”
Fry: “No.  We’re not allowed to have it anymore.”
Me (confused): “Why is that?”
Fry (shrugs his shoulders): “We just can’t.”

Strange.  Having a ‘New Releases’ section helps customers identify (surprise!) new movies that have come out.  Why would Fry’s not allow such an obvious helpful service to its customers?  What kind of mail order college graduate makes these stupid decisions?  Does the mob have a corner on the ‘New Releases’ market, and will break your kneecaps and make you “sleep with the fishes” if they discover that you’re telling customers what the new movies of the week are?  Is this some sort of new rule Corporate came up with, or is this practice much more widespread than that?

Karin and I were happily enjoying Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade last night when it occurred to us how easily and without regret Indiana Jones seems to break the law.  I used to think that Indiana Jones was a nigh noble figure, a cause of light and all that is good, but after careful examination I now find him to be a highly compulsive, obsessive figure with self-absorbed tendencies and a lack of moral fiber.

Leaving the other two movies out of the equation (I don’t consider the fourth movie to be worthy of inclusion of accepted Indiana Jones canon), The Last Crusade clearly documents the many faults and atrocities of Dr. Jones.

Trespassing and Destruction of Private Property: Young Indy, on the run after having stolen a valuable artifact from an outlaw band of “archeologists”, takes refuge on a train in an attempt to outrun his pursuers, and in doing so destroys an obviously customized walkway meant for the care and feeding of a cadre of circus animals.

Animal Abuse: Young Indy, making good his escape from a pit of snakes, discovers one of the innocent creatures has secreted itself in his shirt.  Indy violently pulls this frightened and confused animal from the folds of his clothing, shakes it roughly in the air, then hurls it off the speeding train and on to the unforgiving hard ground below.

Petty Theft: Dr. Jones, having just met the beautiful Dr. Elsa Schneider, steals a flower from a poor street merchant (whose back is turned) with the intention of wooing said doctor with said flower.  It’s abundantly clear that Indiana Jones doesn’t care who he hurts, as long as he gets the object of his unquenchable, uncontrollable desires.  This is a sure sign of a man who has no moral compass.

Destruction of Public Property & Desecration of a Religious Site: In his single-minded pursuit of ancient treasures, Indiana Jones finds himself in the heart of a church-cum-library.  Following a “hunch” that something must be hidden underneath the centuries-old hand-chiseled granite stone floor, Dr. Jones proceeds to pummel the church floor with a misappropriated metal post…

…and succeeds is destroying the finely crafted stonework.  The resulting hole leads down into a crypt, where Dr. Jones proceeds to upturn corpse and casket in a frenzied search for anything of value.

Theft and Destruction of Private Property: On the run yet again (what a surprise!), Indiana Jones absconds with some poor soul’s watercraft.  Without any concern for the ramifications of this theft from a private owner, Indy and Elsa recklessly pilot this boat in open waters, endangering the public in general with their foolish antics until…

…eventually cornered, they turn on their pursuers, causing the destruction of their stolen speedboat.  Way to respect private property there, Indy.

Arson: Tied up by the Nazis, Indiana makes the suggestion that they should burn their way through their bindings, thus making a clean escape.  What he didn’t plan for was his lighter falling to the ground, igniting the ages-old castle and it’s innumerable priceless artifacts in an uncontrollable inferno, putting his life and the lives of the castle’s inhabitants in mortal danger.  I take it Indiana Jones never saw Backdraft.

In one single viewing, what was once an iconic, heroic figure of the big screen has quite surprisingly revealed himself to be nothing more than an obsessive compulsive criminal who doesn’t care who he hurts in his hunt for glory and treasure.

For one movie goer, this fall from grace has not gone unnoticed…

This past weekend there was a Batman marathon running on television, where they showed, in their entirely, the original Batman movies (Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin).  The first two movies were as good as I remember them, which can directly be attributed to the fact that Tim Burton directed them.  But after watching Batman Forever and Batman & Robin, I’m reminded of just how bad a movie can be.

I find it odd that Joel Schumacher directed such classics as Flatliners and The Lost Boys (I must also admit to being a fan of his movie Phone Booth), then inexplicably stumbled into the bog of mediocrity with Batman Forever and Batman & Robin.  It’s as if each of these movies served as nothing more than two hour toy commercials.  If it weren’t for this movie marathon these two movies would have stayed embedded deeply within a dark forgotten recess in a long ignored corner of my mind.

I’m glad Christopher Nolan stepped up the plate and resurrected the franchise with style to spare.

I like to consider myself fairly well read.  That doesn’t mean that I’m particularly voracious in my reading habits, but I think I’ve read my fair share of diverse authors covering many topics.  I have a feeling that I’ve read more books than most, but the one book that I never got into was The Lord Of The Rings.  I’ve had this particular tome sitting idle in my library for quite some time, and have stared at its alarmingly red spine as it jutted out from the upper bookshelf like a crooked tooth for many years.  Last week I finally decided to correct this textual shortcoming of mine and crack into this imposing novel, and now I find that I’m unable to put it down.  I’m but a mere 200 pages in, yet I’m amazed at how much of the book is missing from the Peter Jackson films (Frodo selling his home, less intimidating (and easily fooled) Black Riders, travel through the Old Forest, dinner with the elves, Tom Bombadil, talk with Farmer Maggot, etc).

Now, I fully understand the need to parse out the less important bits from the movies to make for a more digestible end product, but after reading what little I have so far, I feel I would have really loved to have seen some of these missing scenes on the big screen.  But then again, thinking about it, if the movies retained a painful loyalty to the book and included each and every scene from the novel, I could envision the movie easily having a runtime of 20+ hours.  As much as I love the extended versions of the movie trilogy as they now stand, I think I’d go insane if I had to absorb all of the original material in one theatrical sitting.  

It’s funny how a movie such as Where The Wild Things Are used as its springboard a children’s novel that’s composed of a scant ten sentences.  From that meager source material a two-hour movie was produced, with the holes in the story having to be filled in by an imaginative team of writers and producers.  There was so much that had to be (re)envisioned to make for a cohesive story simply for lack of original source material.  On the other end of the spectrum is a novel like The Lord Of The Rings, where the story is so far reaching and overflowing that there’s a need to have to ignore vast swaths of text and whittle down the over-arcing storyline to fit into a (still impressive) six hour movie. 

Ah, but there I go, rambling again.  I think I’ll activate that brain/fingers filter right now, power down the laptop, and pick up a good book.  ”Hey!  Come derry dol!  Hop along, my hearties!“…

Karin and I were watching the excellent popcorn flick Independence Day, arguing the pros and cons of basing the defensive systems of a UFO mothership around a UNIX core, when this flashed on the screen:

If Woody Harrelson and Ted Danson ever got busy and made a love child together, I have every confidence that this would be the disastrous result.