Terrible Analogies

Whelp, it’s Friday, and I’m all tapped out.  I got nuthin’ for ya.  I’m a shell of my normal self.  Bereft of thought, mentally void, and awash in a warm calming sea of indifference.  All I can think of as I stare slack-jawed and motionless in the center of a dark room staring into the soft glow of my laptop is that it’s finally Friday, and for me that means there’s just one more work day before I can enjoy my one day off this week.  Needy computers…

I’m just glad I don’t have this announcer’s job.  I don’t think I could be witty enough to come up with enough pop culture references to fill an entire season of hockey:

But if I ever did find myself either burnt out from my job, or just simply unemployed, I guess I could channel all of my energy into finally finishing my book, studying for a doctorate, or molding myself into a Tetris god (see how wicked-fast…and invisible…it gets at the end):

Of course, if the unthinkable does happen and I become a drain on society, unable to hold down meaningful employment between hits of Mountain Dew and Twinkies, I could always download a torrent of Final Cut Studio, drop a delicate balance of uppers and downers, and create something as wonderfully twisted as this:

Or I could just take a cue from my cat and chill under the covers all day, which seems more and more like the proper path to take:

Heh…I think she has the right idea…

Unpacking our weekly haul of groceries Karin picked up a seal pack of mushrooms and mumbled something about picking up a hitchhiker.  Handing the ‘shrooms to me she pointed out this little guy desperately trying to figure a way to freedom:

This got me thinking; I wonder how many bugs people inadvertently eat on a yearly basis.  If you ponder the process by which food is made, it isn’t raised or grown in sterile environments, but rather in farms and barns deluged with creepy-crawlies of all shapes and sizes.  It has to be an impossible task to remove all of them between the time it’s picked, caught, or killed, to when it finally appears in manageable bite-sized chunks on our plates ready and willing to be converted into energy.

The FDA apparently has guidelines in place that attempts to regulate how many contaminants consumers can ingest before it becomes something other than an “aesthetic” issue.  To quote the FDA:

The FDA set these action levels because it is economically impractical to grow, harvest, or process raw products that are totally free of non-hazardous, naturally occurring, unavoidable defects. Products harmful to consumers are subject to regulatory action whether or not they exceed the action levels.

Diving into this handout I’ve picked a few passages that you might find interesting.  I’ve made notes along the way to help you visualize the percentage of foreign material that can legally make it on to your dining room table:

ASPARAGUS, CANNED OR FROZEN
10% by count of spears or pieces are infested with 6 or more attached asparagus beetle eggs and/or sacs

BROCCOLI, FROZEN
Average of 60 or more aphids and/or thrips and/or mites per 100 grams
(NOTE: average bag of frozen broccoli is 100 grams)

CHOCOLATE
Any 1 subsample (100 grams)  contains 90 or more insect fragments
(NOTE: a standard Hershey’s Chocolate bar is 3.5oz (or 99.645 grams))

COCOA POWDER PRESS CAKE
Any 1 subsample (50 grams) contains 125 or more insect fragments

FIG PASTE
Contains 13 or more insect heads per 100 grams of fig paste
(Question: Why to so many insects lose their heads in the making of fig paste?) 

Blue Fin and other Fresh Water Herring
60 parasitic cysts per 100 fish (fish averaging 1 pound or less) or 100 pounds of fish averaging over 1 pound)
(NOTE: see Parasite Detoxification for further details.  This will make you think twice next time you order sushi.)

MACARONI AND NOODLE PRODUCTS
Average of 225 insect fragments or more per 225 grams
(NOTE: service size of macaroni is 2oz (56.94g))

NUTMEG, GROUND
Average of 100 or more insect fragments per 10 grams

OREGANO, GROUND
Average of 1250 or more insect fragments per 10 grams
(NOTE: small container of ground kitchen oregano is 21g)

PEPPER, GROUND
Average of 475 or more insect fragments and 2 or more rodent hairs per 50 grams
(NOTE: typical kitchen container of pepper is 63g)

TOMATO PASTE, PIZZA AND OTHER SAUCES
Average of 30 or more fly eggs per 100 grams
OR
15 or more fly eggs and 1 or more maggots per 100 grams
OR
2 or more maggots per 100 grams in a minimum of 12 subsamples

Here’s hoping that you had a nice, relaxing Valentine’s Day.  

It appears that the weatherman couldn’t have been more wrong about the forecast.  The weather was actually quite comfortable in southern California.  In between celebrating the wife’s birthday and Valentine’s Day I managed to squeeze in two trail runs in as many days.   When the rain does finally arrive I plan to spend my days in the gym, so it’s all good.

Not to get all non-sequitur on you, but for no apparent reason reason I’m been thinking about The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air recently, and something’s been bothering me about the show’s premise for the past three days.  If the Fresh Prince and his mother lived in the projects, and the Fresh Prince had an extraordinarily rich aunt who lived in a wealthy and prominent neighborhood of Los Angeles, why would his aunt let her sister live in such a squalid, dangerous location?  

It seemed that his mother and her sister were on good enough terms to let the Fresh Prince live with the aunt apparently with no conditions attached.  If they were on such good terms, why couldn’t his aunt kick a few bucks his way, helping he and his mother escape from a strangling life of targeted, criminal, gang-related violence?

I mean, here’s the aunt who’s dripping with jewelry, three self-centered kids, a powerfully-connected husband who happens to be a well-respected high-ranking judge, a smarmy butler, gardener, and an unknown number of servants lurking in the background performing a variety of tedious tasks all in an effort to keep her comfortable in the lifestyle to which she’s accustomed.  Floating in a pretentious sea of haute culture and callous celebrity, his aunt couldn’t lift the three fingers it takes to write a check that could change the life of an extremely intelligent, grounded, good-natured child that deserves the opportunity to excel beyond his wildest dreams, breaking the cycle of turbulence and strife that his family has no doubt experienced for generations?

This is, after all, family.  No?

Please tell me I’m not the only one…

Go outside during a sunny day and close you left eye. Look around.

Okay, now open your left eye and close your right. Look around again.

Left.  Right.  Left.  Right. Rinse. Repeat.

Now tell me, do you notice a slight tint of blue when looking through your left eye, and a slight tint of brown when looking through your right eye?  I’ve noticed this phenomena for I don’t know how many years now, and have often wondered if I’m the only one who’s experienced it.

…Speaking of seeing things slightly askew, try to imagine the tenth dimension:

Now try to imagine the tenth dimension as being ruled entirely by kittens riding a Roomba:

I’m sure you’ve all seen David After Dentist:

Well…here’s Chad Vader After Dentist:

This week Karin and I took a quick trip to Mitsuwa, an amazingly large and well stocked shop specializing in all things asian.  Admittedly, I like to go to this store because they stock a drink called “Calpico”.  It’s something that looks like watered down milk but tastes like an Orange Julius.  Tucked inside Mitsuwa is a cool little alcove filled with nifty Japanese baubles and doohickies, reminding me of the stores on Green Pole Road in Misawa, Japan, where I spent a fantastic three years (’92-’94) of my life and made some great friends that will forever be an important part of me (a shout out to James, Dain, smooth Kev, R. Bone, Scott, John Daley, a crazy guy called RJ, the DJ “what’s his name?”, and everyone else on the 2nd floor of the Intel dorms…).

A few doors down from Mitsuwa is what I like to consider their sister store which stocks Japanese Manga, imported CDs, and movies.  It’s quite easy to lose an hour or two wandering the isles here.

Looks like they had a run on Calpico. I don't blame them. 'Tis the nectar of the Gods. I'm a bit hesitate about their "Aloe" flavor though...

I'm still unsure what this is. Perhaps some sort of salad dressing? For whatever reason they seemed to be fascinated with eggplant and pickles at this store.

For all your pickle and chinaware needs...

Who knew Octopuses could sweat?

The candy isle! A sugar connoisseurs dream...

"Its translucent color so alluring and taste and aroma so gentle and mellow offer admiring feelings of a graceful lady." IMHO, there is no better candy description.

They're really big on the Domokuns here...

Pac-Man (?!), DragonballZ, and Domokun energy drinks. They unfortunately appeared to have been sold out of the Resident Evil drinks.

More manga books than you could shake a tentacle at...

What'd I tell ya? This is just a small portion of their book store.

Awww...sweet! They have a dedicated Toto section!