Terrible Analogies

I think I’ve found the next sport I’ll specialize in. It seems easy enough to learn, and incorporates teamwork and a healthy spirit of competition.  In short, good, clean fun

But I’m sure my dreams of cheap glory will be squashed once Karin sees what I’m up to. I’d be more than happy to get back to more cerebral endeavors, but ya see, I have an unhealthy fear of my printer.  It’s been…acting up lately.

And as inanimate objects become smarter, it seems as if our household pets are getting dumber.  Take, for example, Maru, who has what can only be described as a strange fetish for boxes.  Watch this through to the end to see what I mean:

I only wish my cat was that cool.

Ah well, I guess I’ll log into my ignored Facebook account and super poke some people.  That always makes me feel better.

Have a good weekend, everyone!  I’m off to epoxy seal the garage floor.  Manual labor…there’s no other way to spend those precious fleeting hours off from week… *sigh*

It’s as if the fine people at We The Robots created this in homage to my pathetic life:

The comparison is so accurate that it borders on the eerie…

It’s no wonder I have no time to pursue more noble endeavors such as the arts, sciences, and maths:

Ah well, I guess we deal with whatever life throws at us in the best way we know how.  At least whatever cycles I can spare I tend to spend them on either running, lifting, or aimlessly surfing the tubernets in an effort to avoid real responsibilities.  As long as nobody complains, I’m happy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to my beer.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day! 

Don’t drink too much…remember, work awaits you in the morning.

Whelp, it’s Friday, and I’m all tapped out.  I got nuthin’ for ya.  I’m a shell of my normal self.  Bereft of thought, mentally void, and awash in a warm calming sea of indifference.  All I can think of as I stare slack-jawed and motionless in the center of a dark room staring into the soft glow of my laptop is that it’s finally Friday, and for me that means there’s just one more work day before I can enjoy my one day off this week.  Needy computers…

I’m just glad I don’t have this announcer’s job.  I don’t think I could be witty enough to come up with enough pop culture references to fill an entire season of hockey:

But if I ever did find myself either burnt out from my job, or just simply unemployed, I guess I could channel all of my energy into finally finishing my book, studying for a doctorate, or molding myself into a Tetris god (see how wicked-fast…and invisible…it gets at the end):

Of course, if the unthinkable does happen and I become a drain on society, unable to hold down meaningful employment between hits of Mountain Dew and Twinkies, I could always download a torrent of Final Cut Studio, drop a delicate balance of uppers and downers, and create something as wonderfully twisted as this:

Or I could just take a cue from my cat and chill under the covers all day, which seems more and more like the proper path to take:

Heh…I think she has the right idea…

Unpacking our weekly haul of groceries Karin picked up a seal pack of mushrooms and mumbled something about picking up a hitchhiker.  Handing the ‘shrooms to me she pointed out this little guy desperately trying to figure a way to freedom:

This got me thinking; I wonder how many bugs people inadvertently eat on a yearly basis.  If you ponder the process by which food is made, it isn’t raised or grown in sterile environments, but rather in farms and barns deluged with creepy-crawlies of all shapes and sizes.  It has to be an impossible task to remove all of them between the time it’s picked, caught, or killed, to when it finally appears in manageable bite-sized chunks on our plates ready and willing to be converted into energy.

The FDA apparently has guidelines in place that attempts to regulate how many contaminants consumers can ingest before it becomes something other than an “aesthetic” issue.  To quote the FDA:

The FDA set these action levels because it is economically impractical to grow, harvest, or process raw products that are totally free of non-hazardous, naturally occurring, unavoidable defects. Products harmful to consumers are subject to regulatory action whether or not they exceed the action levels.

Diving into this handout I’ve picked a few passages that you might find interesting.  I’ve made notes along the way to help you visualize the percentage of foreign material that can legally make it on to your dining room table:

ASPARAGUS, CANNED OR FROZEN
10% by count of spears or pieces are infested with 6 or more attached asparagus beetle eggs and/or sacs

BROCCOLI, FROZEN
Average of 60 or more aphids and/or thrips and/or mites per 100 grams
(NOTE: average bag of frozen broccoli is 100 grams)

CHOCOLATE
Any 1 subsample (100 grams)  contains 90 or more insect fragments
(NOTE: a standard Hershey’s Chocolate bar is 3.5oz (or 99.645 grams))

COCOA POWDER PRESS CAKE
Any 1 subsample (50 grams) contains 125 or more insect fragments

FIG PASTE
Contains 13 or more insect heads per 100 grams of fig paste
(Question: Why to so many insects lose their heads in the making of fig paste?) 

Blue Fin and other Fresh Water Herring
60 parasitic cysts per 100 fish (fish averaging 1 pound or less) or 100 pounds of fish averaging over 1 pound)
(NOTE: see Parasite Detoxification for further details.  This will make you think twice next time you order sushi.)

MACARONI AND NOODLE PRODUCTS
Average of 225 insect fragments or more per 225 grams
(NOTE: service size of macaroni is 2oz (56.94g))

NUTMEG, GROUND
Average of 100 or more insect fragments per 10 grams

OREGANO, GROUND
Average of 1250 or more insect fragments per 10 grams
(NOTE: small container of ground kitchen oregano is 21g)

PEPPER, GROUND
Average of 475 or more insect fragments and 2 or more rodent hairs per 50 grams
(NOTE: typical kitchen container of pepper is 63g)

TOMATO PASTE, PIZZA AND OTHER SAUCES
Average of 30 or more fly eggs per 100 grams
OR
15 or more fly eggs and 1 or more maggots per 100 grams
OR
2 or more maggots per 100 grams in a minimum of 12 subsamples