Terrible Analogies

Is it just me or has America become more self centered?  I mean, I’ve been around the block a bit.  I’ve travelled to London, Hawaii, and had an extended stay in Japan, and nowhere else do I see such disregard for others as I do here in America.

Now, don’t get me wrong, but I think that America is the best blah blah blah blah blah…you’ve heard this before, I won’t repeat it.  It’s little things that tend to bug me.  This is a prime example.  As you can see, there’s a sign posted on both sides of this fence that states in bold red letters that are easy to comprehend for even the dullest of knives that there’s absolutely NO PARKING here.  This is an emergency fire lane for a housing development.  What if a fire broke out?  Do these tiny little people ever consider the consequences if a fire did break out and fire engines were unable to get to the fire?

Let me take a step back here and….breathe.  It’s possible that these people can’t read english and I’m blowing this whole situation out of proportion.  It’s possible that they don’t even have a drivers license.  But if that’s the case then they’re not only ignorant of the law, but also a danger to everybody out there.  I might sound like a ninny picking jerk, but these people might be putting your life on the line every time they hit the road.

As expected, the Black Friday crush us upon us.  Driving down highway 15 forces us into close proximity of several of the largest malls in San Diego, each one a frantic swelling of humanity in desperate search for a parking spot and an outlet for their pent up freeway rage.  The holidays bring out the worst in people hell bent on saving 15% off the “already low, low prices”, unaware that their time and sanity could easily have been saved simply by shopping online.

And to the woman in the beat up red Ford Fiesta that nearly ran us off the road, there’s a reason why California has a law against using cell phones while driving.  Here’s a big Christmas middle finger to you.  The only reason I even dared to go to the mall today was to take this photo, and you had to nearly take me out.  Next time you get the urge to make an important phone call to your BFF to discuss the cultural significance of this season’s Hot Topic babydoll t-shirt line and whether or not any and all future economic stimulus checks should be spent at the Banana Republic or Nine West, because you would look so hot in those pumps with the buckles…

Please, do all the world a favor and DIAF.  At least let those of us who pay attention, are considerate to other drivers on the road, and can keep the overwhelming urge to answer a ringing cell phone while driving under control can have a chance at a future free from skin grafts, femoral bone pins, and crutches.

The holidays are here, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

Call me jaded, cynical, or even morbid, but as time goes by it becomes harder and harder to enjoy the days between November and January. I can’t help but dwell on issues that the holiday season resurrects every year at around this time:

1. Let’s get this one out of the way: The commercialization of the holidays. From October trough December we’re inundated with the trappings of Christmas. Forced on to us is the idea that Christmas is about buying crap that we don’t need for people who don’t want it. Stores begin setting up their Christmas displays in October. We’ve been sold on the idea that it’s “traditional” to begin shopping in earnest the day after Thanksgiving (aka: Black Friday). Heck, even Disneyland has the tinsel and holly oozing out of every pore before the end of October. Come on people, at least pace yourselves. One holiday at a time please.

2. People are so sensitive nowadays that they’ve become uncomfortable uttering the words “Merry Christmas” for fear of insulting someone. No, it’s not “X-Mas”.  It’s pronounced “Christmas”. What the hell does the ambiguous “X” stand for anyway?

3. Forgotten is the fact that Christmas is a religious holiday. Deal with it. You don’t see me getting bent out of shape over Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or even Eid-al-adha.

4. Family gatherings often seem forced and uncomfortable. Coming from a large extended family, seeing them come together once a year reminds me why we all live far apart. I’m not sure how many more stories I can handle from my cousin who works in an Alligator farm in Australia, and I never look forward to seeing the smarmy uncle who always belittles your hard-won accomplishments.

5. The ailing relative who’s obviously not going to see another holiday. Go on, try to be cheerful while having an enthralling conversation with the gaunt hollow shell of Aunt Louise as she slumps immobile on the couch, forcefully sucking on an oxygen tube, her glassy eyes well aware that this is her last Christmas. Pretend nothing’s wrong. Act casual. Smile. I dare you.

6. The boss asks you to work during the holidays. Having served in the Air Force, I have a hard enough time trying to understand why veterans have to work on Veterans Day. Why do Christians (or anyone who observes the holiday) have to work during Christmas?

7. Buying gifts for the boss. It’s a time-honored tradition of sucking up that I hate but is almost required nowadays, especially if you have a boss like mine who actually does his job and runs interference for me so I can do my job. As a gripe, this ranks quite low on my list.

8. Traveling. Honestly, any form of traveling during the holiday season is an exercise is frustration and a source of deep seated smoldering hatred for all mankind. From the freeways to the airports to the parking lots, it’s during this most joyous of seasons that you realize that there’s far too many people on the face of this planet.

9. Rosie O’Donnell. A single season can not contain the amount of disgust I have for this hate-filled woman.

10. The influx of people in the gym on New Years day, taking up all of the equipment, failing to wipe their sweat off the bench after struggling to lift ninety-five pound reps, and refusing to rack their weights after use. Like clockwork I witness this phenomenon occur at the beginning of every year. These “resolution” crowds taper off after a couple of weeks, disappearing completely by the beginning of February.

Please, don’t misinterpret this post. I really do love the holidays. As the year winds down I can’t wait for Halloween, admittedly I’m a bit blase towards Thanksgiving, but I look forward to Christmas. Setting up the tree and decorations, wrapping gifts, and drinking enough eggnog to choke an inebriated indentured elf are among the things I like the most. If I can just avoid the pitfalls from my top ten list I’m good to go.

Merry Christmas!