Terrible Analogies

The other day Karin and I went to Chili’s for dinner. Once we were done perusing the oversized menus which were plastered with pictures of their popular offerings (I’m guessing so the illerates can point and say, “I want this one”) and had placed our orders with the over-exhuberant waitress, I excused myself to go wash my hands.

It turns out that the restrooms at our local Chili’s are equipped with all manner of “automatic” hardware, so all one has to do is wave their hands in front of the devices to activate them. At least that’s the theory.

Standing in front of the sink, staring at a mirror badly scratched by repeated keyings, I waved my hands under the faucet and…nothing. “Hmm, I must be doing this wrong,” I thought, and proceeded to wave my hand underneath the spigot once again, then both hands, then angling my hands, undulating them up and down and back and forth. Still nothing.

But finally, with a bit of luck and abnormal contorting of digits was I finally able to cooerce that fickle sink to turn on and give up its watery goodness.

With hands washed I turned to the grab a paper towel, only to discover that it too was automated. I waved my wet hands in front of the device but nothing happened. I waved them underneath, and still nothing. Perhaps the sensor was on the side? Nope. What if I waved one hand on the bottom, one of the top, and whistle the them song to The A Team while jumping up and down on one leg? Nope, still no paper towel.

I then muttered a curse under my breath, bitterly admitted defeat, and wiped my hands on my pants on the way out the door.

Nothing makes me feel less like a human then being ignored by restroom accessories.

Some people might consider trawling the internet for hours on end to be a waste of time, but I beg to differ. The internet is a bottomless trove of information, and I’m constantly amazed at how much knowledge the human mind is capable of retaining and regurgitating at a moment’s notice. With so much information at our collective fingertips I firmly believe that we’re on the crest of a wave that, when it eventually breaks, froths and merges with future technologies, it will usher in a state of near-enlightenment for all mankind.

Before the advent of the internet most of us were forced to hunt down information in places called “libraries”, where one was force to “check out” books and return them within one week or pay a “late fee”. Oftentimes the required books were not on the shelves, whereupon you would beat a hasty retreat to a “book store” in hopes of purchasing the needed reading material. If the “book store” didn’t have what you were looking for you could order a book at the counter then wait for days before your order arrived. When it did arrive you then had to drive back to the “book store” to pick up your book.

Cumbersome, I know, but that’s how we rolled back in the day.

Nowadays the internet can answer just about any question from the comfort of….well, just about anywhere.  No need for a Dewey Decimal system.  No concerns about not being able to check out the “referrence” books from the library.  Need to know who won the Battle of Hastings, what the Proclamation Line was all about, or even who was victorious at the ’94 World Series?  A quick Google search and you’ll instantly have your answers.

The amount of information online is intoxicating and addictive.  So addictive in fact that I find it difficult to go an entire day without logging in. Again. And again. And again. I feel a sense of disconnect when I can’t get online, like I’m missing something, and that’s probably a sign of sickness.  But, like a junky, I can quit any time I want…just not today. I need just one more fix.

I find it hard to imagine that my son will grow up not knowing a world without the internet.  The internet will be ingrained into his life, it will open doors for him that I never could have expected, and it will help to make him smarter than I could ever hope to be.

In fact, it will be so ubiquitous that I’m sure some day he’ll even be able to identify all of the memes that there ever was at a glance:

I was researching an apparent coolant leak on my car this afternoon when this autofill return from Google caught my eye:

Am I to believe that enough people googled “why does my boyfriend want me to pee on him” that it’s become a default autofill?  What’s with this apparent rash of strange urinary practices, and why does this not fill me with confidence and hope for the future?

I am most certainly not one to judge others, nor am I a prude, but come on people…why would anybody want to relieve themselves on somebody else?  IMHO, the very desire to want to do such a blatantly foul act on another human being smacks of a serious mental disorder.  Ladies, if your man expresses a need to pee on you (or vica versa), take my (obvious and sane) advice and leave him.  Wishing to do something so patently foul to another human being is a sure sign of a mental disorder, and it requires immediate professional psychiatric help.

I swear, if I didn’t know any better I’d think that these guys have a miniature camera secreted away in a dark corner of my living room, watching me multitask whilst trying to “relax”.  

It’s funny how “relaxing” in the modern world means having to constantly monitor communications from work via e-mail and cell phone, reviewing the latest news on the web, and keeping your Twitter / Facebook / MySpace / Blogs constantly updated with fresh info.  Whatever happened to unplugging, reclining in a chaise lounge in the backyard, and reading a good book?

It’s no wonder some people tend to burn out on requirements of the modern age.

For the past few days I’ve been glued to my arcade machine, unable and unwilling to tear myself away for any great length of time.  I’ve found myself addicted to a game I had somehow managed to miss during my arcade-hopping years in the late 80′s to early 90′s.  Lost in a shuffle of neon lights, Vegas-style low-shag high-traffic carpeting, change machines, and questionable chain smoking characters lurking behind glass counters, eyeing the kids with malicious intent was this game that I had only, in these recent days, come to discover and absolutely embrace.

This game goes by the name Nitroball, and it currently owns my soul.

Nitroball can best be described as a cross between Smash TV and NFL Football, set inside a gigantic pinball machine.  I know how funky that sounds (heck, the logistics and costs of constructing such a massive pinball machine located at the edge of space in and of itself boggles the mind), and that’s part of the appeal of this game.  In Nitroball, you play the part of a “soldier” in a futuristic game show, and your goal is simple; kill the baddies and grab the prizes.  Thin on plot, but interesting gameplay and unusual visuals keeps you pumping in quarter after quarter.

Not much thought went into the design of the tease screen...

Apparently this game takes place inside a huge pinball machine floating at the edge of space

You play Gary, an ex-Navy "sregeant" (whatever that is). At over 6' and weighing in at a gangly 177lbs, I don't think our hero stands much of a chance against the upcoming onslaught.

Look at the kind of crap Gary has to contend with: spelling competitions, crazed overall-wearing ducks, villains in purple leisure suits, and autonomous robots showering the field with high explosives.

Mini-boss time!

Laying waste to "Ghost Town"

Ghosts, and zombies, and truckers...oh my!

It's nice to see that, in the distant future, dual cassette tape decks are considered "big prizes"

You can keep your XBoxes, your PS3s, and your newfangled Atari 5200s.  I’m keeping it real, rocking the original games that made going to the arcades so much fun back in the day…