Terrible Analogies

I was chowing down on a bag of Cracker Jacks this weekend, and in between glutenous, sticky handfuls of carmel-coated popcorn goodness I took a moment to admire the bold statement “Prize Inside” emblazoned on the packaging.  

Per Webster, a “prize” is defined as:

1 : something offered or striven for in competition or in contests of chance
2 : something exceptionally desirable
3 archaic : a contest for a reward : competition

Wow, prize inside, huh?  I find this to be an odd turn of phrase.  What did I do to earn this “prize”?  I mean, it wasn’t like I ran a sub-four minute mile, solved the Goldbach conjecture, or provided indisputable proof of life after death.  All I did was open a bag of junk food and bam, I came into possession of a prize.  Talk about the decline of expectations in a generation suffering from a severe case of entitlement-itis.

To satiate my unfulfilled need for instant gratification I think I’ll hit up the cereal boxes in my pantry next.  I’m sure there are more “prizes” to be had there that can stroke my ego and give me the feeling of accomplishment in my otherwise drab existence…

Note: Don’t believe for a moment that the “prizes” inside the modern day Cracker Jack are “exceptionally desirable”.  They are a pale imitation of what once was.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been informed by these “prizes” that George Washington was our first president.  Give me a good ol’ fashioned plastic kaleidoscope or even a few water soluble tattoos, and then we’ll talk…

Commercial Product, toys Commercial Product, toys

…I’d have no luck at all.  At least, that’s how I feel when it comes to my Rubik’s Cubes.  Ya see, I’ve been messing around with my 5×5 cube recently, trying to get all Zen with mastering the intricacies of this puzzle when, while single-digit flicking the top layer around, the darn thing exploded in my hand, disintegrating into its individual components, slipping through my fingers and on to the ground below in a shower of colorful plastic cube-ettes.

Whelp, so much for my trusty plastic pal.  I think it might be time to look into an Eastsheen model.  Now where did I put that credit card…

toys toys

While unpacking our halloween decorations last week, we were sad to discover that our animatronic singing skeleton wasn’t working. We placed fresh batteries up it’s backside, slapped it around, even going so far as to call it a few choice names. Nada. Zip. It appeared that the darn thing wasn’t going to be singing Putin’ On The Ritz ever again.

This afternoon I was fiddling once again with this holiday decoration trying to will it to work when I noticed the following tag attached to it:

I’d never heard of the “Upholstered and Stuffed Articles Act” before.  Curious, I called upon the wonderous powers of the internet and discovered some unusual protections that this (now repealed) act provides:

Unclean material
(2)No person shall use material that contains vermin or is unclean in the manufacture or renovation of any upholstered or stuffed article.

Unsanitary stuffing

18.(1)No person shall sell or offer for sale an upholstered or stuffed article that,
     (a) has been in contact with a person suffering from a communicable disease;
     (b) is so soiled or in such condition as is likely to affect adversely the health of any
          person; or
     (c) contains vermin, unless the article has been sterilized or disinfected in the
          prescribed manner.

Jeezuz…was there a huge scandal with chain store fluffy doggies and poorly-sewn carney prizes being stuffed with vermin laced rags, soiled linens, and cotton swabs soaked with communicable diseases that required this regulatory Upholstered and Stuffed Articles Act to be adopted?  These seem like commonsense rules that shouldn’t require a legal act to enforce.

I remember the Tylenol scare of the 80’s, but have never heard of the giant stuffed giraffe scare of the whatevers.  Was there ever such a thing?

Commercial Product, toys Commercial Product, toys

Taking the Eye In The Sky from the bookshelf, I study the box and wonder, “just who is their proofreader?”

Game, toys Game, toys

I was messing around with my new 4×4 Rubik’s Cube a few days ago when it locked up on me, then suddenly (and quite unexpectedly) exploded / disintegrated in my hands.  Colorful cubes of plastic poured from my hands and on to the faux wood of the kitchen floor.  It was a tragedy to be sure, but nothing I couldn’t recover from.

With wallet in hand I raced upstairs to purchase a replacement.  My first stop was Cube4You, but their funky site just didn’t want to play nice with Safari or Firefox.  Here’s what Cube4You sent me when I signed up:

Note: our system don’t accept Firefox now , when you pay , you shall use Internet Explorer , we’ll fix this soon.

“You shall use Internet Explorer.”  Frak that.  I hate any company that tells me what to do.

Willing to give them the benefit of a doubt that they just haven’t quite grasped the intricacies of the english language, I sent a quick e-mail to them asking an innocuous question about their cubes.  A whole day passed and I never received a response (heck, four days later as of this writing and still no response), which didn’t fill me with happy fuzzies.  Okay, I guess Cube4You doesn’t get my business (and it shouldn’t get yours either with their lousy customer support).

My next stop was Cubefans. Taking a chance I placed my order.  Minutes later I received a confirmation number.  Ten minutes later I received another e-mail stating that my order had been shipped.  This e-mail also included a UPS tracking number, and there was my order, ready to be processed.

Three days later and I’m now the proud owner of a new Eastsheen cube.  If you need a new 4×4 cube, I’d definitely recommend Cubefans.  They’ve got my business from now on!

Inside the shipping envelope was a sturdy box protecting my valuable cargo

My replacement stickers and new cube. This Eastsheen A4 has great action for a 4x4. Single digit control, no lockups...great cube!

toys toys