Terrible Analogies

My wife’s birthday happens to fall on the day before Valentine’s day, which makes for a delicate gift-giving juggling act. I guess I should be thankful that her birthday doesn’t fall right before Christmas. I always thought that, as a kid, the cruelest thing that could happen to you was to have your birthday fall on the same day as Christmas. You would totally get screwed on the gifts because your parents would simply merge the two days together gypping you out of an entire days worth of presents.

At least when I was a kid the gifts were pretty cool. I remember getting an Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle, Aurora Monster Models, a Green Machine, a Speak & Spell, and a Big Trak.  Admittedly, I didn’t get many toys as a kid, but the ones that I did get were nothing short of awesome.  

As an adult I wonder what kind of toys I’ll be buying for my future kids.  Slinking through the isles of the toy stores, I found one line of products that I certainly won’t buy simply because of the high creepiness factor:

Remember the Radio Flyer wagon you had as a kid?  Remember sitting in this simple molded piece of sheet metal, hurtling yourself down the neighborhood’s version of Dead Man’s Hill, white knuckles clutching on to the inverted wagon arm, locked in a death grip, desperately trying to scrub off some speed before finally tipping over and scraping your hands and elbows in an agonizing fleshy, skidding stop?

Good times.  Good times.

Well, it seems that the trusty ole’ Red Wagon wasn’t good enough for Radio Flyer, who currently is busy reimaging their iconic product.  Taking a cue from the auto manufacturers Radio Flyer hopes to remake a classic.  This new version of the little red wagon is:

“Outfitted with 5-point safety harnesses, padded seats, cup holders, foot brakes and fold-out storage containers.  There’s a digital handle that tracks temperature, time, distance and speed — just in case energetic parents want to track their split times around the playground. And there’s a slot for an MP3 player, complete with speakers, for some cruising tunes.”

Outrage!  Can you imagine your kids doing exactly what you did as a kid, seeing how fast they can go before spilling out in a screaming heap at the bottom of an asphalt hill?  Only this time little Johnny is tied in tight with a racing harness, tumbling over and over with a hunk of platic strapped to his ass.  With every rotation his limbs become pinned between his plastic companion and the concrete, snapping bones as he tumbles.  The combined weight of child and toy compounding into an extended slide of harrowingly slow, piercing , painful proportions.

But hey, as long this updated wagon has the modern creature comforts of drink holders for juicy boxes, digital temperture gauges, and a stereo system then little things like multiple contusions and dislocations should be nothing more than an afterthought for the modern child on the go.